Ago

I wanted to thank you acknowledge not only your post, but all of the replies, I got a great deal out of them and not only the first post but every response resonated with me, I have been trying to work on part three of Givelove's plan of action, sometimes I feel like I am so far away from where I want to be I despair of ever finding true happiness and fulfillment, sometimes I realize how far I have come in the last year since I "divorced" my family and "ran away from home"

I have been doing the first two parts of Givelove's plan, and step three (from 12 steps) until I am blue in the face, yesterday morning I was up before the dawn, sitting on my front porch watching the sun come up, and I had this amazing clarity of 'self", it was like utter and complete detachment and separation from all my "thinking" lately, and it came to me in a flash that I have been focusing totally "on the inside" and not quite doing enough to changing 'outside stuff".

How to explain..hmmm.....when I was working for my mother, who absolutely could be the OP's mother, the last few years, running her restaurant and taking it over until she could retire as time went on she gave me more hours and less money, until after 2 years I was working twice as many hours and making half as much money, not half as much $$$ per hour, half as much $$$ total, when originally she was paying me as much in two weeks as I made in one day when I owned my own company.

I allowed this to happen.

Somehow, this has taken place again, I am now working more hours and making less $$$ then when I started doing the work I am doing now, somehow, I am "working for my mother again", and while I realize that somehow I manifested this, and then allowed it, that normal people work for companies where you get "raises" I work for people that give you "lowers", by the way I have talked to a laundry list of employees who have worked for this company and every single one of them walked after getting their first "pay cut" because "times were hard" at this company, I allowed this to happen.

Twice.

I am now making about half of what I was making 8 months ago, and it wasn't enough then.

So it occurred to me, unless I actually change the situation, which I have been 'trying" to do, I have worked for many different companies but it's just slow right now, but unless I go outside the box, outside my "box" of thinking, I am not going to be fulfilled, no matter how much "inner work" I do, it's impossible to be "fulfilled" if I am unable to take care of myself you know?

My car is falling apart around me since I commute 4-5 hours a day, the tires are worn out, I need new brakes, the radiator has started leaking, I realize my clothes are falling apart on me, my boots are getting holes in them, I can't make ends meet, I can't pay my rent and my bills, I can't make ends meet any more, as time goes on I am making less and less, and juggling bills ..... I am at the end of a zero sum game, the business end of diminishing returns.

So all the self knowledge and therapy and step three's in the world won't help me unless I change my situation, actually take action, and somehow stop finding my mother in the world and working for her.

I have also been "repeating" situations and behaviors elsewhere in my life that are identical to past experiences.

8 months ago or so ago, after I "ran away from home" I was talking to a friend, and he said "Andrew, it seems you can't just jump straight to "healthy" that you are transitioning to "evil lite" and "sick lite" and the truth is that's exactly what I see happening, is incremental improvement in my life and while it's happening it appears to be happening so slowly I can't see the improvements occurring, but on hindsight and working with others I can actually see I have come a long way, if a year ago I was to say to myself this is what you would have in a year I would have said I was crazy and delusional, that no way could I have so much cool stuff, so gratitude lists and being objective are helpful, but I have a ways to go.

Anyway, it seems that we create our own reality, and that I am focusing on outside stuff, but really what I am trying to do is stop repeating all these patterns I got from my AcoA experiences, but one of the things I do need to change is the outside stuff I keep manifesting, that make sense? I keep recreating my family life in the world around me, and unless I change my thinking, which is what I have been working on, I will keep recreating this situation, but unless I change the situation, my thinking will get re-enforced and I will keep repeating it.

I can act myself into right thinking but can't think myself into right acting, you know?

Anyhow, thank you for letting me share on your thread, I relate to it ...I am it.

I have some experience with this as well