SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post - My codependency issues with family of origin

09-24-2009, 06:01 PM

# 7 (permalink)

dothi

Member

Join Date: Sep 2008

Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.

Posts: 402

Hey IHTH

Quote:

Originally Posted by Iwanttoheal

If I am honest, I am very, very hurt that they have not made any effort whatsoever to contact me. I am relieved that I do not have to deal with their chaos and catastrophes but I am hurting and grieving for me.

This speaks loudly to me. Even though you've made the decision to distance yourself, this is sort of a high school nightmare come true: that if you disappeared, no one would care. And of all the people "not to care" in the world, here it's your family.

It's so hard not to take it personally. After all, we're surrounded by messages in society about how core family is. What's supposed to be a source of strength for us is now a sink, leeching our strength from us... at least, initially in recovery.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Iwanttoheal

It's just another example of how worthless I am to my mother. I was never worth enough to get me the hell out of the abuse and alcoholic home I endured as a child and now I am not worth enough to show some basic human kindness and compassion to. I am only worth blaming as an ungrateful daughter.

Oh man, I am still having these thoughts too - these extreme feelings of how-can-I-be-so-worthless when I know deep down I should be valued for how hard I've worked to be a "good daughter". It feels like if I'm getting nothing for all that then I must be worth nothing.

But I think GiveLove is closer to the truth - their behavior is not a reflection of you. Even if this does take a long time to grieve, process, and accept. They could be doing this to you, the girl next door, the woman at the checkout, etc. Push come to shove, they need someone to fill in this role. It's part of the addiction. It's not you.

It may be a while before you can finally believe it (and clearly you know I'm not at this stage yet either). What you can believe now is that in spite of the setbacks and new challenges, you can certainly do a better job for your son, and you will reap benefits from a GOOD parent-child relationship that your family just does not have the capacity to understand or appreciate.