Having a real struggle tonite.
Well, the battle came suddenly this afternoon. The past three days were no problem at all. Then about a half and hour ago the siege began. Not a slow, gradual desire, but a sudden, out of nowhere blast that took me to my knees. The voice inside told me, "What the hell, you're by yourself, know one will know. Come on, let's get toasted." And for a brief moment, i was surrendering. I entertained that thought and almost walked out the door to drive to the store. The store that just Monday I took my last 12 pack of beer I had stashed in the woods and gave it to the owner (who drinks) and told her I'm quitting. Now I was even coming up with excuses to why I was going to buy more beer from her. That my friends, is insanity. And the urge kept coming on hard and strong. I had to write to shake it. I have all the cards stacked against me at the moment, leaving me vulnerable. I am home alone, not a soul around that believes in sobriety ( I lost them years ago.) whom I can talk with. The only thing I have at this time is SR. I can not slip here, I have to fight it or I will be back where I was last week. At least I don't suffer the physical torment some do with abstinence. But the psychological struggle is intense tonight. I'm afraid the blight of L. Talbot is descending quickly. I need that friend to lock me in the room.
I realize that I am have assumed the role of madman again, I was hoping not to go there again so soon. Indeed, I am insane at the present, poisoned by the liquid I so disparately crave at the moment. If only there were someone sober with whom to sit and talk.
I believe I will fix a cup of tea and see if that helps.
I WILL NOT DRINK...not tonight. I promise you and most importantly, I promise myself. Keep me in your thoughts, I believe it is going to be a stormy night.
Padraic