Final Day1
Hello,
I have been a lurker on this site for a few years now after having found these forums back in 2007. Back then I came to the conclusion that I was/am an alcoholic. Aside from 1 stretch of sobriety (not recovery) for a few months my drinking has progressed steadily.
Yesterday was my final day 1, of this I am sure. It is not a matter of this time being different, me being more determined, or coming to some revelation. I simply do not have another day 1 left in me. This can end 2 ways for me: recovery or insanity/death.
Drinking for me has turned into a vicious cycle. As my alcoholism has progressed I have found that the more I drink the more I become self-destructive. I begin thinking in ways, and more frighteningly – acting in ways that actively try to bring down all the good parts of my life. I don’t understand it, CAN’T understand it as there is no rational thinking going on. I do know that when I get stuck in this cycle I have an actual desire to break what is working in my life. Worse, the easiest way to break what is working is to drink more. I don’t know if the drinking caused the self-destructive thoughts or if it was the other way around, but it doesn’t matter because either way amounts to the same result.
I have learned so much from these boards over the past 2 years. The alcoholism and F&F discussions have really taught me a lot about myself and others in my life. I know what I need to do, I know where to find help, and I am doing those things. Yesterday I threw in the towel when I saw that I was fighting an unwinnable battle against myself. Today I’m choosing to play a different game altogether and tomorrow will be dealt with when it comes.
Hello SR! I’ve gotten to know many of you over the last couple years, now I’d like to let you all get to know me.