(((Iwanttoheal)))
I want you to heal, too!
I am sorry about your son. I think you are handling yourself and your new journey beautifully. I applaud you and your determination to take care of your responsibilities.
Your son's diagnosis may be a blessing. No more roller coaster of trying this and that. Now you know what you are dealing with and can take steps to meet the challenges.
Is this grief or codie behavior? Maybe both. You are grieving the life you wanted for your son. The dreams of a young lad finishing public school with a group of buddies all around may have been wishful thinking. Your reality may be a little different. Therefore, you are grieving the loss of one type of lifestyle you wanted for your son. He may still have his education, just from a different source. He may still have a group of buddies to hang out with, but from a different source. You'll take a different journey to get there.
You want compassion and understanding from your loved ones during this process. The part of you that 'expects' it from your mother and brother, may be a codie reaction to their inappropriate actions. Feeling like a victim and/or martyred for all you've done for them, right? It's okay. We have to become aware of our codie behaviors, then move into acceptance of them before we can take action to improve our behaviors. All part of the process. Please be gentle with yourself.
You said:
As an at-home carer, I have a lot of time to fill and I'm not that good at filling it with positive things.
Try a basic recovery tool for alcoholics during these times: Create new routines for yourself. Little home improvement projects like painting a wall will give you something you can look at everyday as an accomplishment you achieved. Take yourself for walks in your neighborhood. Meet new neighbors. Teach yourself a new craft. Something maybe you and your son can do together. One Day at a Time.
Keep reaching out for the help you need. We're here to support you!:ghug3