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Old 09-19-2009, 08:10 PM
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ATTRACTION IS EVERYTHING! Here's what to do when you think they are no longer attracted to you, However, in reality, codependents do very little for the healthy betterment of their relationships, or the wholeness and completeness of their lives. Whereas they think they are doing for everyone, they are actually doing for themselves. Every time they can feel over-giving and under-appreciated (their main goal), they climb higher up in their Ivory-Tower and feel justified in hugging themselves while they hang from their self-imposed crucifix. Codependents appear to be very poor givers, so wrapped up in their imagined glories and self-sacrifices that they never really, truly give genuine love and care just for the simple reason of giving it and not for the real reason behind why they do give and give. And what is that reason you ask? Codependents give only for two causes and one reason; to cause 'self-pity', and to cause 'manipulation' of those around him, for the reason of being able to embrace, nurture, and love themselves, and to feel safe and secure..

*This was me to a TEE with my XAH. It totally grossed me out as soon as I found myself in that vacuum. After splitting up - and learning THAT was a form of Co-dependency - I made a vow to NEVER do something for someone that they can do themselves. I also felt that "giving" would be a lead back into co-dependency and I would get that resentment - and I stopped "giving". I feel that in my last "R" - I didn't give all that much. People will tell me that I did - but really I was definitely getting more out of it than I was giving. I believe that - and it was totally me having a defense mechanism because of my fear of abandonment.

Also, my x's 'love language' was gifts... that didn't work so well with me. Something I hope to get better with... and have more trust in myself to 'give materially' without fearing a codie relapse or even having it lead to one.

I also made a vow not to be a "nagger"... it takes way too much energy... it's not worth it.

As pack animals we are all somewhat codependent. But when codependency becomes the overriding force in a person's life they begin to do the exact opposite of what they honestly believe their goal is. Where most codependents think they are sacrificing themselves for everyone around them, what they are actually doing is distancing themselves and emotionally withdrawing from those around them, so coccooned they are in themselves and their own feelings of injustice. To contradict a lot of codependent books I am going to go out on a limb here and give my analysis of codependency: A codependent person—although it may appear that they are over-conscious and over-aware of others—in reality are only conscious of their own role in other's lives and not with the actual other person themselves. They only need to pre-occupy themselves with other's emotional well-being and feelings to see what their own status is to that other person, and how they fit in that person's life. Although the experts seem to claim that a codependent person is overly involved in other's moods, feelings, and emotional being, they actually are more astute to another's moods, feelings, and emotions only when it directly relates back to themselves so that they may analyze the role they play in that person's life. Many codependents have an intense need for acceptance and validation of who they are. They can be more selfish and self-involved then fiercely independent people are, as they are so engrossed in the role they play in other people's lives that they become obsessed with others' moods and well-being only as it relates to themselves.

I don't buy this guy's theory - but I do go with the experts. I can read people some times better than I WANT to read myself. I don't need validation of who I am, but I want people to like me. I can very easily be a "chameleon". I agree with codies being selfish. When my xabf would get caught lying about something, it was no longer about him, it was ALL about me. IMO - that is what brought me to my Co-dependent bottom.... because it did become "all about me!" When I saw my x going into a downward spiral or that dark place - depression- I would do self- talk to remind me not to take it personally - that it has nothing to do with me. I would try to remain grounded and strong in self, but it was very difficult. I was like a toy being wound up and wound up and wound up and then I would just flipping explode. I would then become totally obsessed with his moods and then would obsess over MY reaction to it all. Oh heck yeah it would become all about me!!!! Now, it's more than ever about me!

Codependents lack in self-perception and can only identify who they are through that of a second person. They manifest 'who they are' only through another's eyes, thoughts, or views of them...and without another they are unable to find their own identity. Codependents tend to latch onto partners because of this lack of being able to self-identify through themselves.

Oh... there were times that I would relish in observing my x... seeing the world .. having a view .. through his eyes. I knew that whenever I was doing that I was setting myself up big time. I'd try to stop myself, but he was so alluring. I could literally sit and watch him... he totally captivated me. However, it wasn't for the view of my identity - it was viewing "life" - not myself. I could literally "feel" him. When I was perceiving inauthenticity it would destroy me because I had put so much of myself into him... so much stock. In the end, I was being pulled in to believe his lies. IDK... that is the crazy making result. It's way too hard to explain. It's stressing my shoulders to even attempt it.

Thus, codependents become 'emotionally unavailable' or 'uncaring' to others, unless it is for the selfish reason of improving their own role in that person's life. Everything they do they do to pity themselves or to applaud themselves...nothing is done out of voluntary loving or freely given for the mere fact of truly caring for another. NOTHING! Everything that a codependent person does is done to further establish their self-pitying thoughts of 'overdoing' and of being taken advantage of and for granted, "I am so unappreciated around here, they treat me like their slave...", or their self-worshiping thoughts that they are perfect and well-respected for the 'good' or 'right things' that they do unto others. "I am a great person, see how I saved the day!" These thoughts are based on the fact that because they are overly concerned with the role they play in other's lives that they become more acutely aware of how others do or do not acknowledge what they do.

I can see this being a part of it; however, I truly do not relate to the above, personally.

Basically, the codependents motives are all about gaining self-pity or gaining self-respect enough so that they can feel safe and comfortable enough to embrace their own inner soul and give much needed self-love to themselves. Just below the surface of every codependent is a lost and rejected child that doesn't feel that who they are themselves is worthy of love.

OUCH... that part is probably really true, at least for me. I grew up giving more love to others than to myself. If I actually thought of me instead of someone else - the guilt was immense. I was very attractive, especially in high school... and I was popular... had lots of friends in many cliques - but was a total chameleon - didn't really believe what everyone else saw. I saw a very plain Jane. My x, he got me to see that I wasn't. In the beginning, he brought out this goddess in me... allowed me to embrace my inner child.... but also gave me the room to embrace myself in a different way. i.e. - until him I never wore skirts above my knee... He also introduced me to many "firsts" - for someone I didn't trust - there were some areas that I gave him my full and complete trust!

As for the rest..... I can't totally relate........ YET. I could definitely see it getting to that point. Unless I am or have been in denial......

In regards to addiction and co-dependency - I think that codies just don't find themselves in addict situations. Just like I think people who end up with addicts aren't necessarily true codies.... but typical reactions of someone / anyone would give if not ever being in this situation before. Now, if this becoming a reoccurring theme - (like - more than once) ... that is when to address codependency.
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