actually as a conclusion, i regret coming across him and most of all, falling inlove with him and putting all my trust and happiness into him, while he is far from being a reliable person[/QUOTE]
This is one of the things I hated the most about it all. I let him make me believe this was real love.
I also:
-hated that fact that inside I didn't trust him, wouldn't admit that to myself, and would always go searching in the house for things, like notes, cards, pictures, or emails.
-That I would stoop to sneaking in the bathroom with his phone looking for text messages before going to bed. And when I found them, just ignored them.
-tolerated behavior that I never would of normally. The lying, deception, dishonesty, disrespect, and manipulation.
-that I hid his behavior (the amount of drinking, pot use, immaturity and financial problems) from all my friends, ESPECIALLY my best friend! I wanted them to think that he was a great guy and life was wonderful. When I confessed after the breakup to friends about his problems and behaviors, they were all shocked I put up with it. That reaction from them really made me feel ashamed of him and his addiction.
-sitting in a room full of people at one of his parties and not being able to have one decent, sober conversation with anyone. Feeling that I was living in a frat house rather than with an adult.
-that I put his addiction and needs ahead of my well being. I bought beer for him when I knew it wasn't in his best interest. Like he'd love me more if there was a nice 6 pack in the fridge.
-that I always gave way more than him emotionally. I'd have dinner waiting for him, think and do special things for him, but I don't think he really every thought "maybe it would be nice to give her a massage after a hard day". My needs were secondary
-believed him when he did future talk
-believed he could be honest and open with me and be a true partner by handling conflicts between us in an adult way.
-hated that he could really never be there with me on the deep emotional level when I needed him. For example, having contact with family after 15 years of estrangement to get "Good Luck" from him. I had to deal with deep things on my own.
-inappropriate rationalization and denial
-and just really hating losing myself, my values, my sense of worth and the trust in myself that I allowed him to take away. I'm still working on getting it back.