aaaaaaaaaw thanks you guys...... I don't know what I'd do without this place.
I think that today was a trigger and it was building and building. 2 days ago I sent his dad an email asking advice about the aortic surgery - and instead of emailing me back, he called me right away. We spoke for a few minutes - he had to get off the phone- he rang back hours later and left a v/m..... I then called him back yesterday and we spoke for about half an hour. NOTHING about my x came up.... so I felt pretty okay, actually.
But when I saw those cards come in today - I knew to get them out to him because it's the right thing to do. In the future; however, I'm going to just put his folks address on all mail and have it fwded. *I think I can do that. SO - knowing I had his mail and then thinking - do I write a note, do I not write a note, do I call his folks to see where to send it, do I just send it.... ALL that energy and thinking just triggered so many emotions. I wrote a post it saying that I hope this found him well and that I figured he would need these cards. I genuinely do hope he is well... I wish no harm or ill towards him. Maybe it was THAT.... me making some form of contact? I don't know... but it just sucks that I'm feeling so similar to how I felt when he was rejecting me and not paying me attention (when we were together). When he was so closed off and not letting me or anyone in for that matter. He would fake it with his friends on the phone WHEN he would get on the phone or have contact. Which then would spin me because I didn't know what was the *real him*?!?
When his father said.... "Yes... be sure to send ALL banking mail".... I knew then that my x had obviously been complaining that I hadn't fwded his mail yet - and so that totally made me feel like crap. Like all of a sudden I'm the bad person.
I'm SO dang glad that I have no contact in place, and that he is 3 time zones away from me. I couldn't cope if I ran into him... saw his car or anything. The thoughts in my head that can come up are bad enough.
Exhale.... this is a bit of a set back, but I know I will pull through this. I really don't want to go angry, while it doesn't last long with me, it is so toxic for my being. I don't want to be a victim, I hold myself accountable for my part in it. I could have at any point said... "enough"..... and it was my choice to stay in the boxing ring. He would knock me down, and I'd brush myself off (after freaking out).. and get up and do it all again. Seriously - that cute little red head is what did me in. My pride will not let me be with him knowing that he did that. Drugs or not. Especially when we were hardly having sex... and it wasn't because I didn't want to. I can't think about it... it just winds me up and then I will get angry. I feel that if I get angry I go back even further.
Anywho - I feel the hugs ... I feel the love..... thank you again all so much for being there for me to vent and cry and rationalize and work it out.
IPT/Teke - yep the Gorge is on the Columbia River.... it's my annual getaway place, but it's for 3 nights of Dave Matthews Band! We do appreciate the scenery immensely! It's Heaven's amphitheater!
I just got home from tcob re: my boys and football and getting them to their fathers. My girl should be here pretty soon - so I have to pull myself together so that we can have a good night. It's only here that I really can show my real emotions because quite frankly, all my IRL friends have heard enough. Also, being that I'm in recovery, I speak a different language.
Oh... and yeah... I like that line about getting over someone is getting under another one! Trouble is...... they all fall in love with me when that happens! LOL j/k ...... sorta
aaaaah I laughed... very kewl!
Thanks again!!
Peace xoxoxo