I agree with all of you.
It really comes down to what I allowed my addict to make me do.
The BS lies that I believed over my inner voice.
My intelligent, soft beautiful inner voice that I screamed at.
I HATE that I told her to SHUT UP. That she didn't know what she was talking about.
I hate that I doubted myself.
I hate all the spy work I did, knowing things about him that I had NO RIGHT to ever learn (provided he didn't share it with me willingly). While looking for signs of him using I would always run across private things that I felt so horrible that I found. Old emails, etc. before I was even in the picture.
And I'm w/ HelloKitty. I hate that recovery means it shouldn't hurt any more. That everything's in the past.
But I love that its given me more motivation to put ME first.
Even if its not the purest of motives for doing so, I still love having that justification because if I didn't have it I prob. wouldn't EVER pamper myself (something worth looking into w/ a therapist.. I think)
I love the motivation to succeed that horrible domestic situations gives me. I have learned so much about myself, including MY ADDICTION to broken, sick people incapable of giving me love in return.
I know that I won't always get high off of them and escape relatively unscathed.
That one time, I could really get burnt and lose my life over it.
I see for the first time that its REALLY that serious.
Addiction is 100 percent crazy making for me.