Denial is a tough one. IMO children need to believe they come from something good. Confidence builds on the belief that something about you is good. In an alcoholic home this is a just a recipe for disaster. You have parents acting like children with too much authority, and children sacrificing in the manner that makes sense to them in order to contribute to a more stable environment. That maybe if things finally get good, the drama will settle down and we can all finally relax and just feel good about ourselves. (Of course then adolescence hits and these children can't deny feeling their own needs any longer - hello depression or angsty rage!)
When my partner asks me how I put up with my family and growing up in that house for so long, I tell him it was denial. My siblings and I were literally trapped. AF had the only vehicle and we *incidentally* lived out of town. If you're going to stay "sane" you just can't think about it too much. Besides how do you even know it's that bad when you rarely see anything else? AF kept us very isolated and actively discouraged us from making friends! Why would you do that to your little girls? Another hallmark of abuse: treating women like second class citizens. There was minimal investment in women in my dad's family. The women in his family have previously grown up to become drug users and prostitutes. It's accepted that women aren't capable of making smart decisions for themselves, so you isolate them, talk down to them, keep their self-esteem low, and then that way they're easier to control. AF actually said to my sister once that he should have moved us further out of town. In environments like these I'm a HUGE advocate of how education is often the only way out for women.
I really hate thinking back and looking at all those years of opportunity wasted. My sister is in counselling now, and I believe her counsellor is addressing her socialization struggles.
Lie: I had a confident, loving father.
Truth: I had an insecure, controlling father. He actions fit the profile of an abuser, minus the physical. But I could not have survived that household if I had not continued to believe I had a loving father. Otherwise my life would have taken a very different path had he sensed animosity from me (like my sister gave him).
IMHO some parents have it stuck in their heads that this is how raising children is supposed to happen. You can talk to them until you're blue in the face and they won't budge. I've done this with my AF and he'll just deny any point I try to raise. Then what are you left with?
I am often grateful that I was born into a society where I was able to leave. We can't make things right for everyone, but we can support pathways for people to get out once they're able to, such as through career development and personalized counselling.