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Old 09-14-2009, 02:31 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Learn2Live
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi Envelope.

Here's my feedback.

we hit if off from the word go!
Please note that it seems you are very comfortable with unhealthy people. Try to look at yourself and your past experiences and see if you can find the reason why.

We developed a close bond and apart from being lovers we are great friends.
I suggest not sleeping with this guy unless and until you are married to him. No, I'm not a prude, I'm a realist. There is a chemically addictive component to the act of sex which (1) he may be using as a "replacement" drug for his drug of choice and (2) keeps people (you) hooked. It provides a brain high, similar to cocaine and all the rest.

We went on holiday and spoke of a future in marriage, children, family...
Less than five months and already talking about marriage? Does this seem too fast to you?

I felt that I didn t need to discuss his recovery to my family as I wanted them to get to the know the person and fall in love with him, as I did.
This is an excuse for lying to your loved ones. Addiction is an insidious disease that affects EVERYONE who comes in contact with the addicted person. Here, your relationships with your family are being affected and you don't even realize it.

I felt that I would give him his space and let him be and thought he needed a week and would snap back into it again.
It's good that you were understanding enough to give him his space, but did you do it because you thought if you did, he would snap back?

The 3rd week went by and no change. I decided that I should end it. It was very hard but I knew that the stress and responsibility to focus on our relationship created turmoil in his head.
This is great. You are a much stronger woman than I! You made up your mind after the third week. So, why have you now gone back on your decision?

Asking a few times whether he was ready for a relationship was something he was skirting around, but he felt he could continue.
Do you find it strange that just a month or so before, when you were on holiday, the two of you were discussing marriage, and now you have to ask whether or not he is even ready for a relationship?

He has no self esteem.
You know you cannot help him build this nor give this to him, right? Low self-esteem does not excuse drug use and abuse.

I dont understand this. He has been using for 10 years, held a great job travelled for business, bought a place, continued paying his policies and has almost finished paying off his car!! This is amazing. This was the deciding factor in persuing the realtionship.
So, a job, a home, a car, and the ability to pay his insurance, is enough to outweigh the addiction? Do you understand the nature of addiction and how it affects people's lives? What is his drug of choice?

His head is was screwed on even when he was drunk, high and looking for prostitutes for oral sex.
Huh? Two words: cognitive dissonance. You can google it. It is happening to you.

I never knew him during his addiction. I certainly would nt look twice at him then. Im not prued and Im in the entertainment business so I see this kind of thing all the time, I just choose not to include it in my personal space.
You cannot take the addiction out of the addict. There is no cure. You may THINK that you haven't included addiction in your life but you most certainly have.

I love him, and that's why I had to let him go. I dont want to loose him but Im wondering what he spoke about and shared in the reationship was it all a lie?
Only he can know if he was lying. He may be lying and not know it. That's what addiction does to you.

I know you love him and I think you did the right thing by letting him go. When you give someone else up to his Higher Power, you are NOT losing him. You are honoring him and your own Higher Power.

when a young boy of 10 years old has no parent to model good values and a crap upbringing its a little difficult to know what is right or wrong...
This is Denial. You are making excuses for him.

Be well.
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