My crises mostly come at night... long past everyone's bedtime. Which is why I'm grateful for Australia and Japan...and time zones in general.
I know why that is, sort of, I've always been afraid to fall asleep. Less so now, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the past.
Guess I'll just steel myself for the next couple months. And here I thought I was already reinforced.
When I came here--Cali--I tried to make friends, that didn't work. After a year or two, I mostly gave up because I was going crazy hitting that proverbial wall. With AA here, I don't know what else to do. The school 'meeting' has problems... the teacher who makes it happen doesn't want it to be a 'public' meeting... he said that those who want to find it will, and won't put it in the internet or the book. It's a hotspot campus... none of us do anything
without the internet. So as a result, there are two people besides that teacher who go. And the other is there 'cause a judge sent her, she still drinks.
Everything else requires 2 buses to get to, so an hour. I need a four hour window around any meeting, so the 7pm ones are out (bus service stops before 8:30) and the noon ones are all that's left--and they're not every day. I'm going to keep trying.
Although, I gotta admit, I can't figure how I'm supposed to just ask for phone numbers when nobody talks to me much. Even when I try to talk to people, they smile and stick to cliche's.
Guess I just do it. But I'm still shell shocked from all the people telling me one way or another that I should call around 4pm or not at all, and those telling me I'm supposed to be already better. Or those who said I was too far away to come and pick up. So I guess I'm coming into this with prejudice. But I need somebody, or somebodies, desperately. I've been back here since mid-July, and I can't remember feeling like I was part of even a conversation. My world is turning surreal again, and without the liquor, it's lonely.
And I think I'm turning evil. My roommates are now playing drinking games out there, they're louder than my music. And when I came in earlier, they were trying to hook up a dvd or something to my TV. Hah. It has about 40 places to plug something in, and the buttons on the remote are not clear. I've had the thing for about 4 years, I can work it in my sleep, but I know they can't (can hear them). So I came in here and killed the light.
It's about the first thing that made me sort of happy today.
All this is turning me into a person I don't want to be.
Anono, I don't mind mini-hijacks for educational purposes.
Heck, I'm told I have no manners anyways, and I honestly barely know internet manners.
-TB, in the dark