This making amends to one's self is one more reflection of watered down, feel-good, fluffy A.A. lite. The kind of A.A. that is about self-improvement and working on my self. The kind of A.A. that is a selfish program. And if it's a selfish program, of course I'm at the top of the list. The kind of A.A. that turns the results of taking a course of action to repair damage done to others into promises that one has to chase after and get. Never mind that one of those promises says that no matter how far down the scale I've went I can see how my experience can benefit others. Another one of those promises says something about losing interest in selfish things. Some other place in the book mentions giving of one's self so that others may survive and rediscover life. Somewhere else it says something to the effect that we hold the key to life and happiness for others.
I spent a lot of time during the 80's bouncing in and out and around AA meetings. Hundreds of meetings and four treatment facilities. One of the big catch phrases during those years was self-esteem.
When I finally got sober in '91 I felt really bad. I had awakened to the fact that I had single-handedly ruined everything worthwhile in my life and that I had damaged the people I loved the most. I think this is how one is supposed to feel when they've just realized that they've ruined their life and everything in it.
But I didn't know that then. I thought I had low self-esteem and that I shouldn't feel that way. I told my sponsor I thought I had low self-esteem, that maybe I needed to get it back. He said "Any one that treats people the way you do should feel bad. If you want self-esteem, live in such a manner that would make you feel good about yourself."
I get free when I'm willing to make the amend. At that point, it isn't for me anymore.
Jim
Big Book refrences from Alcoholics Anonymous, First Edition