runningfree

I have posted a few threads about a relationship with a friend of mine and I have yet to work things out with her! She is not my husband, not my family, not my children, but I can't seem to pull away. I really don't want to, but our relationship hasn't improved in a LONG time. Much of the hostility and anger comes from me and things that happened during a very difficult time for both of us.

I will try to give a "brief" synopsis...

We have known each other for 8 years.
Our daughters are best friends and she lives 5 houses away.
We got along great in the early part of our friendship. Things started to breakdown a little for me because she has a strong personality and appeared very self-confident, self-assured and she proclaimed that she had no self-esteem problems. She is very good at taking good care of herself and putting herself first. ALong with this she has a way to become friendly and very talkative about intimate things that I would not ordinarily share unless I felt very comfortable. Her personality made me feel less of a person because as a current ACOA thread stated about me...ACOA lack an individual sense of identity. ACOA's begin to take on other people's opinions, defects and needs. WOW... this is so true...In our early relationship when I came across so confident and self-assured, she would "joke" about things that were really things that I was afraid to be like weak and someone with a low confidence level. I knew the things that she didn't believe in for herself were all the things that I was. I held it all in and it began to build but I felt that we could get through it and it was probably me that was the problem. She would paint me on a pedestal for my "accomplishments" and tell me how wonderful I was and that she wished she could do that. I was so good to be able to do it.
Ultimately our friendship "BLEW UP" when she began becoming obsessive about running. (this area of my life was secretly the only thing that made me feel good about myself) She kept going and going and kept pushing the limits and kept saying that she wasn't good and I was the best yet she had to run twice as much as I. I understand that this might seem superficial, but running as an ACOA was an unbelieveable key to my existence. I let up on my running to try to not be so obsessive. Her personality and ways of thinking were very dangerous for me. I was not jealous, but it appeared that way. I was so emotionally intertwined in what she was expecting of herself and what she put me on a pedestal about. It is very complicated, but a lot of hurt has transpired from this and I started to build up resentments. As a result of this, I hurt her also to get back at her. My whole self became intertwined in our friendship and I have now given up the things I enjoy and I have started to do harmful things because I am so depressed and unable to breakfree of the hurt.
She tells me that she wants to be friends and that she is upset that we can not make it and that her sadness is felt but she isn't going to be so sad that she doesn't take care of herself. I gave up running and she is running more. She said another insensitive thing the other day and she doesn't see it as being insensitive. Iasked her twice to apologize and she agreed it was not a sensitive thing to say, but she refused to apologize. After bringing it up again she said that apologizing isn't easy for her and that she apologizes if that will make me happy. It is always something that I take wrong because it "was not meant that way." I know that I have a lot of baggage that 12 months of therapy has not conquered, but I must resolve to myself if I should feel low because this person wants to be friends, but has a problem apologizing for hurts that she has caused even if they were "not meant that way" As an ACOA I have a long road with mental/depression problems that I am not sure will ever be handled completely, but I felt very hurt by this person and even though it might not have been something she could have worked on at the time it occured I was expecting some type of validation that she could have been more sensitive and work through that with me now. She just says because she takes the time to talk about it then she is invested and cares. She would give nothing of her own self for anyone else. It just is not something she would do. For example, she would never give up a run in order to help me out. She would make it out no matter what even if I told her that our friendship may fizzle because of it. I know that I am too dependent on this person and my therapist thinks I should end the relationship but it is going to be a LONG summer when her daughter is over my house ALL SUMMER in our pool and she isn't coming with her. SHe may not mind because I might be a nice babysitter all summer if she doesn't have to be at my house as she once was having fun together.

Now that I have fallen apart and she has seen the light about what happened it is too late. I can't accept it because I have dug myself so deep that it hurts too bad. I just want to live again. How do I make peace without alienating my daughters friendship. I care for this friend but I am so hurt that I destroyed myself.