hey TB,
Way to go on passing up the booze for another night. It really is a one-day-at-a-time deal, and you and I are on the same page. I too have those thoughts of "who really cares," and then think, I have no real friends, just acquaintances, then the dance with the bottle slowly starts to creep into play. It's the ole "woe is me" mindset that we hold so dear, for it provides temporary justification for just saying f it and grabbing a beer, joint, bottle of rum, you name it. I even had similar thoughts like that this evening, pulled out the book to call a cab, then said,"Whoa, hold on there buddy, who's ever gonna give a damn if I don't?" The ole bartender loves to see me cause I tip good, (don't want to burn the hand that serves you your meds, now do ya?). Other than that, yea, a couple of the good ole drunks, who drink for the same escape I do may say hey and chat w/me a while, making us both feel like there may be someone who cares. In the end, it's all a facade, but it's a facade I know all too well. I'm used to it, I've carved my name in the ruts of alcoholism for years, and I just seem to follow the same old rut which leads only to misery and despair, cause it's familiar.
To break the familiar pattern, today I went to an AA meeting. It was small, only about five people showed up, but it helped ease the stress of early withdrawals, so I just pasted my butt to the chair and listened to the people there who have been where we are. They seemed comfortable, relaxed and had a light in their eyes that dimmed for me years ago. It wasn't fancy, no real tragedies were discussed, just a few comments on how their lives have become better due to working the program, and then it dawned on me that they were really talking to me. They were sharing for my benefit, not their own. Who cares, well, they surely seemed to and I think it was that very meeting that made me put away the phone book tonight, forget the cab and come on here to SR, cause there are a lot of good people here who care for me and you more than we presently care for ourselves. They care whether we choose to drink today and they will care tomorrow, that much I have learned. If they care, maybe they can show us how to learn to care too. It doesn't come natural to me, I need to learn how to do it. Maybe I'll start by caring for you. That helps take the focus off of me and my little world and helps me learn to focus on others. I hope you don't mind.