nytepassion

If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me. Don't throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it.

Don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me).

Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it.

The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my brokenness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ... The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours.

The sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one.

If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ... I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top.

In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound.

Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours.

I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me, but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly.

Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar. ---Passion
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Now:

It took much courage and strength on my mothers behalf to do just this very thing for me. It wasn't until my addiction literally left her with no other choice ... I had literally alienated my own mother ... She let go and let God ... I kicked, and screamed, yelled and spewed vile words at her .... accused her of not knowing loyalty to family ... How dare she treat me like dirt (she had refused to enable me or take my verbal abuse anymore) she stopped giving me money (because she had figured out that I was lying to her by telling her that the money was for rent or bills or food, or this need and that need ... I'd call give my sob story (she'd write a check) I'd show up while she was at work (didn't even have the decency to come get the money while she was home so she could spend time with me (nope, I'd have her leave the check under her pillow) I'd come pick it up ... go cash it and off to buy dope ... (I'd call her and thank her while I was high and feelin' good ... I'd smooze her and tell her how I didn't know what I would have done without her help ... I would make her feel all good about helping me and like she was my savior (and all the while I was lubing her for the next check) <~~ "THE UGLY TRUTH"

I didn't want my mom to Let Go and Let God and I made sure to do the best I could to guilt trip her every time she tried to not-enable me ... but she stuck to her guns ... stood firm ... she no longer listened to my verbal attacks .. nope, she would say, If your going to talk to me like that I am going to hang up ... and if I continued spewin' off at the mouth .. she hung up, wouldn't answer the phone if I tried to call back either ... In being consistent with this behavior she taught me (If I want to talk with my mom .. I must talk with respect) and this also taught me to see my mom as not just my mom because not only was she my mom, but is also a human being, an individual, a woman ... and this woman had found enough respect for herself to demand that I give her the respect she was due (especially from her own child) this gave me a new view of my mom (I saw a courage, a strength that I never knew existed in her) I had always been able to manipulate my mom into getting whatever I wanted from her ... I knew all her softy buttons, I knew how to hound her for what I wanted until she gave in just to save her sanity (I was relentless) because I knew being relentless would break her down .. When I was a kid I got away with far to much ... she would try to correct me and I just bucked up and rebelled, she would cry and have heart to hearts begging me and pleading with me to be good ... telling me how much she loved me ... I was a strong willed, stubborn, bullheaded kid ... I wanted to do what I wanted to do ... and pretty much did it ... regardless if it hurt her or not ... after so many tears and so much pleading ... my mom struck me as weak ... she couldn't control me ... I had over thrown her authority and broke her down to a sobbing mess that could only look at me through tear filled eyes and plead with me to straighten up ... this was a sign of weakness to me .. I walked all over her as did my addiction ... but somewhere deep inside she pulled the strength from within to STAND up for herself and to my addiction and she had courage, she demanded respect ... she was consistent which showed me my mom had changed ... I started to find that I respected her .. so we'd talk on the phone ... (as long as I was polite and respectful) through talking to her I learned that she (had a life, dreams of her own) the more I learned about her the more I liked her ... the more I liked her the closer I felt to her .. the closer I felt to her ... the closer I wanted to be with her ...

I was still using during this process, ... and it took a few more years before I got clean, but I had my friend (my mom) that I could call and talk to ... and she was there for me ... I wanted to be closer with her ... but I knew I wasn't done with using just yet ... and truthfully I wondered if I would ever be ...

Eventually, I came to the place where my heart was filled with wanting to remove the drug wedge that was still between me and my mom ... and plus I was miserable, hated life and was thinking of killing myself .. I thought I had tried everything drugs, alcohol, people, relationships ... anything and everything to fill the void and there was nothing left to try ... until something spoke to my heart and said, "Have you tried God .. Until you've tried God you haven't tried everything ... and I thought to myself ... Nope, I haven't tried God, ... but I live by the golden rule I'll try anything at least once ... So I prayed, God I don't wanna do drugs anymore, I don't wanna drink anymore ... I don't even wanna smoke cigarettes anymore ... and 3 days later I realized I hadn't done any of those things ... nor did I have the desire to ... and I thought "There must be something to this God thing" 3 days, turned into 3 weeks, months, years and well "there really was something to that God Thing" and Lets give credit where credit is due ...

It had a lot to do with the Mom Thing as well ... she may have not done like I wanted her to do, but she did what I needed her to do ... and that was she STOPPED Enabling me and let me fall on my own and she prayed that the pain would hurt enough that I'd want to heal, but that the impact of the fall wouldn't kill me ... and it didn't ...

I arrived safe and sound on the wings of an angel (I call M O T H E R) and a prayer to an Awesome and Powerful God.

I pray my story gives you hope,
Passion
Recovering Addict