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Old 08-26-2009, 05:23 PM
  # 133 (permalink)  
Faerie's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: South Australia
Posts: 396

Next morning and whilst I'm a bit down the appointment went well.

The lady I saw 'Claudia' was lovely and I trust her very much.

I had to breathe my way out of a panic attack on the way there [a skill I learned at DBT] but made it, bless my Mum for taking me.

Since it was the first session she didn't ask for details on any of the assaults and talked more about how nothing was my fault and about what she could offer me in the way of counseling.

She knows I have PTS and will focus on working on getting me through that. I had the choice of informal, unstructured counseling where we could discuss whatever I wanted to at the time or CBT. The CBT was part of a research project they were doing with one of the SA Uni's and would involve only talking about the most recent attack, structured sessions and homework. Any essay I wrote about the attack would be used in the study.

Since I have already had DBT training, am crappy at committing to homework and don't like structure in general, plus would only be allowed to talk about the last attack I took the first option. Plus I'm not comfortable with anyone but my family, friends [including, of course you guys] my doctors and Claudia knowing about what happened.

The first attack when I was 15 was by far the most traumatic and I need to be able to talk about that as it was so violent and I was so young, plus it f**ked me up so badly.

The other two were bad, don't get me wrong, but the first has affected me the most. I guess that's because I repressed it for 12 years and told no-one until 9 weeks ago.

Claudia also [very sadly] confirmed that like me many survivors of rape and sexual abuse turn to drugs and/or alcohol to cope. I told her all about my addiction issues, she is proud of me for my efforts in tapering down and hopes the counseling will help me to keep doing so. I'm sure it will as my emotional pain is the main reason I use.

As you guys know I am taking other steps to manage my physical pain. I now take ibuprofen everyday and get physio for my back. I am getting my knees x-rayed and my doctor will then decide what to do about the pain I have with them.

I am really committed to getting off of codeine this time and know I can do it. I've already cut down from about 30-40 pills a day to 16 so I know I am doing well. I'm glad I was honest with my doctor and that he is letting me wean myself off at my own pace.

I am also drinking a whole lot of water, green tea and warm water with lemon juice to help cleanse my liver as I am worried about doing damage on top of the damage I know I have already done.

Oh yeah, I don't know if I told you guys this yet so sorry if I have.

When I went to my GP last week I found out that in the last 8 weeks I have lost 8 kilos and a massive 16 centremeters from around my belly. I have gone down a dress size and as a reward my parents bought me a new pair of jeans. I feels great that my hard work has paid off. I can also fit in to loads of clothes I have that were too small for me.

One of the reasons I'm depressed is my weight so it feels great to know I am making a difference. I can't control the hereditary factor or what has happened to me in the past but I can control my weight.

Much love to you all,

Faerie xxx
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