Thanks for the concern. I can't afford the co-pays for a shrink right now, but wouldn't mind seeing one in the future. This is the trouble with having insurance.....you no longer qualify for the charity kinds of help, yet you can't really afford the deductibles/co-pays, so you end up stuck with nothing. I'd love to see a dr for help, I love to feel that somebody cared, and could offer help, would offer help, would help.......but feel rejected by the system instead; mental problems seem to be the domain of well helled, at least in terms of treatment.
I'd be scared describing my feelings to a doc, anyway; I've had friends do this: you loose all your rights the moment you mention death: they take control; and treat you like you're nobody, dope you up, treat you like a prisoner. I want to have my dignity, even if I have dark thoughts. And I have not seen any of my friends ever helped by meds...mainly by good therapy or other things, so am very afraid of meds based on my own results and those around me.
Maybe it is best to hang around people, just to keep my mind off it. But it is funny.....sometimes I will talk about it with my bf, and we think that maybe, maybe we will do it together one day, if things keep on going downhill.......it would seem to be more dignified this way. And we want to leave the earth together, it seems important to us, somehow. But not now, I think, look at this in a year, then see where we stand, then see...they say suicide is never an ‘option’, yet many people do it, it is one way to go. And what then? I have always wondered, what then? It’s only that that hold me back, I think, this fear of the what’s then. If not for that, I’d pull the plug today.
HP