Well, not the best weekend, but not the worst. I am starting to question giving up drinking, and if now is the 'right' time, as if there is ever a right time. Or if I care anymore. Life has been so crazy these past months, it is hard to think, drinking or not. I keep thinking, I would like a group, but then that book, and the word God, God, God all over and I can't read more than a line or two without getting upset at the guilt-based angle of the whole thin. They say take what you want, but it's all so tied together, I find I have to leave the whole thing, the whole book. So those meetings scare me, yet I wish I had some social support. Then this dumb schedule, getting out so late, no groups even meeting then, at the most vulnerable hours........
But have been suffering deeply inside, wanting and wishing I had more time to do things that were relaxing, yet so many old medical, dental bills from the years of no insurance, seems to never end the money going out, the wages garnished.....even stopping drinking, I am still broke beyond broke, the difference in savings seems like a penny in the grand canyon, and has ceased to be any motivation. Fells better to drink if I have to work so much, or such has been the fall-out. I feel like I need a vacation, have not had one in years, just work, and now even more work, 6 and even 7 days a week, and still the mountain of debt seems to go down so slowly I feel like I am going to die before it is gone, I sometimes just want to, but lack the nerve.
Thinking: maybe it will be best to die “young”, not try for too much, not be too greedy, , not to be a go-getter who steps on the toes of others, just to be gentle to animals and the earth and others, to not take too much from the world an OD when the time feels right. I have been reading on what ‘works’…..one does not want to bungle a thing like that.
Such have been the thoughts of me and my bf: to go out together, plan it, like they did in Japan, one day, we will see our way out to whatever it is that is out there, beyond this life that has mainly been one of being poor, of not having, of hurting......we speak of this several times a year, especially as we have grown older and earth must be faced eventually: but we want to choose the time, the place, and not allow the hand of chance to intervene, to play the trickster even there.
HP