Ug. Can't seem to get my motivation back for going on the wagon, went out last night. The trouble is, it was a lot of fun.....I have a hard time imagining giving this up. I've tried different ways to imagine doing different things for fun, and I in fact do a lot of different things.......and yet, it is still hard after four years. I think one problem is my work schedule. I work 2 to 11 PM, get home at midnight. It takes me about 4 hours to unwind, so I can go to bed, so I sleep from 4AM to noon, get up, and then it’s the one hour commute to work. So when I get home, there are not really any clubs or meetings or anything much to go to, other than out to the places that are still open, the corner Tavern being the case in point. I have tried now for about two years to get another job closer to home and with different hours, but to no avail: have sent out a few dozen resumes, but no luck so far. So this is hard. You get home, it’s dark, you can't really do anything outdoors, the parks are closed......and I love nature, being outside. So I feel like I am always cooped up at home, caged in.
My body clock is all screwed up, I feel detatched from nature, from life.
This has been an ongoing dilemma. And I work from Sun to Thurs, so I have odd days off.......thought of going to the Unitarian Church, but I work. I'm trying to find something to do Fri-Sat to keep me busy, but it's the rest of the week that gets me. It's like I can stand to be hung-over at work, because it's just work, and if anything, it helps me relieve the boredom, at least I can focus on the hangover as opposed to the meaninglessness of what I do most of the time. On my days off, I'm less prone to drink, so I can really enjoy the time I have.
Well, I need to get a grip on things, that's for sure.
SP