Just asked my AH to leave, he is SOOO mad. I had set specific boundaries in place last week and he just ran them over with a MACK truck. One of my boundaries was that I would allow him to stay at home as long he attend three NA or AA meetings per week as well as saw his therapist once a week. Also, I said if I felt uncomfortable or suspicious of his use at all and if I felt that he was not being honest with me, he was out. Of course now, I am a "spoiled brat " and all I do is check up on him and I drive him crazy and he can't wait to get a divorce (he told me to go see a lawyer TODAY) and he will finally be happy when he is away from me. That it doesn't matter if he uses or not, we don't get along anyway etc. etc. etc. Addict talk I know, but it still hurts my feelings.
I speak addict so if you will, let interprete here the "true" meaning of what he is saying to you.
You're a spoiled brat = I can't get my way
All you do is check up on me = You keep busting me (using, lying, etc) and it is pissing me off.
You drive me crazy = I can't make you accept my drug/alcohol addiction and I want to get high with your blessings.
I can't wait to get a divorce and then I will finally be happy = I want to use drugs and since you won't co-sign my addiction it I am can't wait to run off and get high without hearing and crap about it from you.
Go see a lawyer adds up to an empty threat coming from a paper tiger who is throwing a tantrum cause you won't co-sign his addiction.
As you learn to read between the lines (no pun intended) you will begin to journey into the land of not taking it personal. The truth is he would say and do what he says and does with anyone who came between him and his drug use. Nothing personal trust me.
My birthday was Friday and he had over $150.00 that he took out of his paycheck for my present. Not to mention, he took additional $40.00 out of our account on Thursday..so that equals $190.00 right?!? Well, he spent around $80.00 on my gift and bought cigarettes ($10.00), $10.00 in gas, and $10.00 for a Burger King dinner.. that only equals $110.00... so that means there is over $80.00 left... and he can't seem to come up with a story about what happened to it... apparently it just mysteriously disappeared? Last time I checked $80.00 was enough to buy COCAINE!!! I would understand if he misplaced $20.00 or $30.00 but $80.00?!? Come on!!
Addicts are firm believers in supporting their local dealer. You are right on target about where that money went and if the real truth be known it probably goes like this 5 on gas, 5 on burger king, 5 on cigs and $95. on cocaine.
Even if he had went to the "gas station" like he said he did Friday night(at 11:00 P.M.) he would still have at least $60-$70 left!! He went to the "gas station" to get candy but brought nothing back-hummmm... Of course, there is still that little annoying piece of me that second guesses myself.. BUT COME ON!!! SERIOUSLY!!?!? Why does addiction make you DUMB?!?!?
Okay, "technically" speaking he didn't lie to you about "getting candy" he probably did get candy. Cocaine is also referred to by us addicts as "NOSE CANDY!" and the gas station is a favorite place for dealers to deliver our "fuel" (so you see, we aren't lying when we say we're getting gas either)
Why does addiction make you DUMB?!?!?
Hence the word "dope"
Of course, there is still that little annoying piece of me that second guesses myself
If you stop and take the time to read your own words you will find that you don't have to second guess yourself anymore. The truth is clearly revealed. You don't have to accept his drug use, but you must do yourself and embrace the truth HE IS USING, HE IS LYING (the journey into true recovery isn't paved with lies) He is an addict trying to bs you and protect his beloved addiction.
See for yourself in your own words quoted below
He was also supposed to go a AA meeting last night...well he came home and told me it was a good meeting. Found out this morning on accident that he didn't go. My Mother In Law talked to her friend whose husband attends and she said her husband didn't go to the AA meeting last night because of strong thunderstorms, a tree fell in their driveway. Problem being, my AH said he was there. So, my AH is lying about money, drugs and going to meetings but somehow I am the jerk?!?! Did I miss something?
Nope you didn't miss a thing and that is why he is calling you a jerk -
You're on to him ... and he is the jerk trying to throw you off track .. May I suggest that when he opens his mouth and the verbal vomit starts spewing forth, picture him holding up a mirror in front of his face taking to himself ... because honestly, what is coming out of his mouth stems from what takes place deep within the addicts true heart of self hatred (deep, deep, way deep down ...it is how we truly feel about ourselves). (the awful things we say to our loved ones is called projection).
It is so frustrating to know I am right and all he does is spit diarrhea out of his mouth! I hate it when he makes me feel like I am the reason he uses.
It is frustrating to know the truth, but have someone deny the reality = "CRAZY MAKING"
YOU ARE NOT the reason he uses - He is addicted to drugs that is the reason he uses. He has this little voice inside him that is constantly screaming to be fed and and that voice gets louder and louder and louder until it becomes unbearable (until every part of your body is in agony) and they only way to shut it up is to feed it and shortly after you feed it .. the screaming starts all over again .. the more you feed it .. the more it will demand. A vicious cycle.
I know this is all addict behavior but it still sucks. I just know the next few days are going to be horrible and I am going to want to let him back in when he gets in his "sorry" phase and promises to never do it again.. HELP ME BE STRONG!! I am sticking to my boundaries this time, if not for me, for my beautiful little 3 month old baby!
He isn't capable of keeping his promises .. hasn't he proven that time and time again?
Keep in mind addicts are skilled masters in the art of manipulation.
We know your buttons and soft points. We know what face to make, words to use, behavior to display right down to knowing how to breath to get our foot back in the door.
Truth behind "I'm sorry" = I'm sorry I got caught, I'm sorry you don't like it that I use, I'm sorry, but I like to get high, I'm sorry but I will lie to your face .. tell you just what you want to hear just as long as you let me back in and I can have a roof over my head, food in my mouth a warm bed at night .. and money for dope. I'm sorry for ME and to heck with you ... just give me what I want and keep your mouth shut and we wouldn't have these problems.
If nothing changes - nothing changes.
Be strong... for your baby, for you and for your husband. Because the truth is every time he uses he is playing Russian roulette with his life and taking one step close to death.
It is okay to refuse to stand by and be a part of/watch him killing himself.
I truly believe where the addict is concerned the most pure form of love comes from of the word NO
Passion
Recovering Addict