Retread
Hello everyone. I am 30ish recently laid off young male "mary jane" addict and have reached that "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired" phase of my life ... again.
No tears this time . No anger. I just want to be free. I cant continue to ignore NA. I cant continue run away from what God is trying to give me. I cant continue to not embrace God as my truth. I cant continue to wait for a "bottom" to force me to quit. I dont want to die because of this.
The hardest thing for me i guess has been surrendering. I suffer from the highest level of addiction. I understand now that my addiction doesnt stop at drug use. My addiction has invaded other parts of my life from what i eat , what i do, what i watch on the idiot box etc. surrendering for me is like trying to climb a mud-sliding steep uphill mountain with slippery shoes.
When i fall off the "wagon" , I'm on this 5 or 6 month binge of daily usage. I spend these days wishing and praying to just make it through ONE day without using. Day after day of "tomorrow i'll quit".
My brain is wired the wrong way. My brain tells me if i dont use theres a possibility i'll have a horribly bad day. My brain tells me the people around me will have a horribly bad day if i dont use. I wont have an appetite for food if i dont use. I wont be motivated to do anything unless i know im going to use once the task[s] are done. Its like a steak being dangled in fron of a dog to lead him somewhere. Remove the steak, and the dog has no motivation to follow you. So today i will see what i can do to re-wire these brain malfunctions because at the end of the day its all BS lol. I wont "die" if i dont use. I wont have a horrible day [unless i make it one].
Thank you Sober Recovery for existing.