Well crying as I write this, feeling very emotional, just took my 'crash meds' [2 neulactil 3 valium] really needed to take them today.
J called.
Was outside having a ciggie and heard the phone go, didn't hear who it was, heard the answering machine go and assumed it was my Dad, made the mistake of picking it up.
Ended up talking to him for over an hour.
J is sorry. Sorry for what he did to me, sorry for getting angry last time we talked and calling me a 'cold bitch' and sorry for ruining our beautiful relationship.
And yes, I felt sorry for him.
I told him I could not yet forgive him and still did not trust him.
I told him I did not see a future for our relationship. Sad as that was.
I agreed that what we had WAS beautiful but that HE had ruined it and that he only had himself to blame for that.
I told him I still cared about him and was glad he hadn't tried to hurt himself.
He is still feeling suicidal and I told him he needs professional help.
I told him I was thinking about putting in a police report.
I told him I was going to the rape crisis centre on the 26th for counseling.
He feels that I only broke up with him because of my psychologist and because of the advice I have received from this forum. I told him that wasn't true. That it was my decision and mine alone.
He then tried to blame me being on codeine as the reason for me breaking up with him.
He just can't seem to accept that it is my choice.
I feel really bad that he is hurting so much but I am hurting too.
He knew I had been raped twice before and yet still raped me. I am not able to forgive him for that yet.
I am seeing my psychologist tomorrow morning and will talk to him about how to let go of anger. I know [thanks to your kind advice] that anger is a healthy emotion but I am sick of it consuming me and want to learn to let go of it.
Whether I can find it in myself to forgive him or not time will tell.
I still have love for J but am no longer 'in love' with him.
I feel really confused by how I feel right now.
I feel sorry for him and angry with him at the same time.
I really didn't need him to call me today.
And yes, I now realise I should have just hung up as soon as I realised it was him on the phone but I needed to know he was Ok as I still care despite what he did to me.
Feeling very sad, angry and confused,
Not gonna go over my tapering dose today.
Much love,
Faerie xx