Originally Posted by
Faerie 
Hi All,
Feel really bad today and have to make a confession. Makes me feel awful when I think of how well you all think I'm doing.
I understand why you feel that way, but there's no shame necessary, just an opportunity to learn a lesson. I learned shame's not a very helpful emotion in recovery; it didn't keep me from hitting the bottle again.
However like someone else reminded me about my relapse, you didn't slip, you made a conscious decision to take those pills. Don't be ashamed, just take responsibility as an adult and move on. If you need to take 20 for a while, do it. Maybe go down to 18 if going down to 16 is too much. Just don't beat yourself up or else you will need more pills.
Yesterday and now today [about 10 mins ago] I have taken 4 extra pills. I'm supposed to be taking 16 and have taken 20.
And really the difference between 16 and 20 pills isn't shattering or entirely significant. You knew what you needed at that moment to cope. You had a moment of weakness.
I have no excuse except that the physical and emotional withdrawals have gotten the better of me the past 2 days. Been thinking about what happened to me too much and have been in pain and feeling sick.
I think one of your problems because you're not working is that you have a lot of time to spend alone thinking. Find things to keep you busy and keep your mind off your trauma and addiction. Keeping up with your writing is a good suggestion. Get lost in the worlds you create. Writing is so therapeutic. Maybe write about a character who's been through what you've been through, in a fantasy context. If you need inspiration to write, read some of your writing books. I'm still going to recommend Stephen King's [I]On Writing[I] until you get it ;-p It inspired me to keep on with my writing.
16 just isn't holding me. I know I need to speak to my doctor so I just rang the surgery but can't get in to see him any earlier than the 20th.
I know I have to try harder.
So many other people are able to do it, why can't I?
You CAN mate. Don't believe the rubbish that you can't (I'm listening to the BBC right now haha). Don't consider a minor setback evidence that you can't get sober. If I were to get drunk and say I can't get sober, would you say, "Oh Clayton, I'm so sorry, I guess you just can't do it like other people"? Of course not, so quit saying it to yourself. You're dealing with so much, so many old and new wounds I can't even fathom the pain, physically and emotionally, you're dealing with. You're my hero. And just because you took 4 more pills because you were in pain doesn't change that. You're not a loser, you're not a failure, you will get through this. That's what you'd tell me. Tell it to yourself and know it's true. And there may be other setbacks Congratulate yourself for recognizing your mistake. Now assess what you can do to prevent such setbacks in the future. Call your doctor and talk to him on the phone if you have to. I'm sure he'll let you do 18 instead of 16 pills a day. If he doesn't advise that, do it anyway. Do what you need to do.
Will try my hardest to do better tomorrow, that's all I can do.
That's all you can do and realize that while you messed up this time, you did your best and you're doing your best. Give yourself credit for being so strong throughout all this. I don't think I could bear what you're dealing with. Thinking too much about what happened is the PTSD talking. You need to get that taken care of, so discuss some things like EMDR with your therapist.
I feel so ashamed and am sorry for disappointing you all.
I think you disappointed yourself enough, even though no one here is disappointed in you. We've all had relapses and we know that you're trying, that you're not some wanker (see you're rubbing off on me) who doesn't take his addiction seriously. You're doing fine, just keep on moving.
Love,
Clayton
P.S. I'm ordering you to go watch, read, or listen to something funny as soon as possible! Laughter cuts through that shame pretty well.
