Guilt is such a difficult emotion to deal with. There are so many what if's, if only's and why couldn't I's. Just a couple of days before my husband died (5 months this saturday) my pain specialist started me on methodone, and later from the coroner I learned that he had been sneaking them from me...he was having a lot of problems with prescription addiction. I feel guilty for not hiding them when I first got them. But that's not my biggest guilt.
I remember waking late morning and taking my morning meds, then I fell back to sleep. At some point he had stumbled from the office to across the hall and into our bedroom. Because of my meds I didn't hear anything. I woke up late afternoon and found him dead at the foot of our bed. From where he was I know he was trying to get to me to help him. If I would have heard him I may have been able to help him or get him help in time, or I could have at least been with him when he took his last breath. He was so close to me, but it could have been a million miles away...I wish I would have heard him.
It's something that I'm still working on. I write him letters, I go to his grave and talk to him. It does help, but I know it's still a long road ahead.