Take a deep breathe Siam...and I'll give my $.02 on a few of your rhetorical questions...
Originally Posted by
siamcat 
I'm playing at being a real person lately. It's funny how easily I can sometimes pretend like that.
Sometimes it's easier than others, but we all play to a certain extent. No one wants to be completely honest with the world all the time. Do I walk around saying "Hi, my husband is a heroin addict"? No. No one knows except you all...
Originally Posted by
siamcat What did I think? That the gods would allow this? That a smile could last? That happiness would this time not pass?
It sounds great in theory, but in practice, no one has discovered the secret to "eternal happiness." It's all fleeting, so you need to enjoy it while you have it and not worry about where it will be tomorrow. Love is not the key to eternal happiness. It's so tempting to say "well, if I had someone to love, or someone to love me, everything would be ok" but the reality is that it just doesn't work that way. Trust me on this one...
Originally Posted by
siamcat I want contracts and assurances and blood swaps, I have been abandoned by everything I've ever loved, and this time it's more than love, she's amazing, she's perfect, and I'm funking it up because of fear, fear of her taking that away from me, it's self perpetuating, I can SEE all this so clearly but I cannot seem to stop, temper myself, calm the FUNK down!
OK, perfect relationships are not my forte...but...nobody's perfect. Don't put that kind of pressure on her. It's not fair to her, and you're setting yourself up for disappointment.
Originally Posted by
siamcat I don't know how to do life, I really really don't, I imagined I did before, but I don't know how to live anymore, sober, this way, how can I stop this? How can I learn to love right? How can anyone love me? I whine about it a lot but I see perfectly well why I'm unlovable, and I HATE IT! I just don't know how to change.
Back to my previous point: you need to take what you can get when you have it. If things are going well, let it be. Enjoy the moment, and try really really hard not to start thinking about what could or might happen. Nobody knows how to "do life." Like I told you before, some people are just better fakers than you
It doesn't mean they are "normal", it just means that they are more skilled at appearing to be what society defines as "normal." If you met me at a grocery store or something and didn't know who I was, I bet you'd think I was "normal".
Originally Posted by
siamcat I'm my own worst enemy.
OK, I agree with you...you are your own worst enemy
(((hugs))) again - you sound like you need them.
Love, Daisy