It's just frustrating. All this time, and I can't get a grip. I love this girl, but I don't know how to do things right. I funk up. I think she's having second thoughts about me and why not? Why wouldn't she? I act like an idiot. I want to drink so funking bad today and they just dropped my shift tomorrow morning so I could right now, I have PLENTY of time to drown myself. I don't know how to help, I'm empty inside, I'm a fraud, I love immensely but then I want too much, I want contracts and assurances and blood swaps, I have been abandoned by everything I've ever loved, and this time it's more than love, she's amazing, she's perfect, and I'm funking it up because of fear, fear of her taking that away from me, it's self perpetuating, I can SEE all this so clearly but I cannot seem to stop, temper myself, calm the FUNK down! I don't know how to do life, I really really don't, I imagined I did before, but I don't know how to live anymore, sober, this way, how can I stop this? How can I learn to love right? How can anyone love me? I whine about it a lot but I see perfectly well why I'm unlovable, and I HATE IT! I just don't know how to change. I'm my own worst enemy. Shoot me please, anyone, put me out of my misery, funk this life...