AH is at it again and hard to ask for help
I haven't posted much of my story...short version - 15 years married to an addict. Opiate addiction. Severe mental and emotional abuse for 10 of those years. Left and took him back. And then June first I left in fear of physical abuse...he has now signed papers and has left the house so I am finally back in my house and I have had a week of peace. I knew it couldn't last...his silence is usually his time to plan what to do next to feed the addiction.
It is so hard for me to post and it is so hard for me to admit my role in all of this and my need for support. I have really good days and today is not one of them. He has had 2 DUIs and his only means of transportation is a moped. I have not talked to him since we signed papers (only for separation - have a waiting period for the final divorce). He left me messages on my cell that he has wrecked the moped and is hurt. Mind you he is living in a major city and the hospital is one block from his apartment. Then the lines start "I need $100"...and I get the whole "i know you don't care, but..." and all the buttons start getting pushed. I got the messages as I was driving to class - and I went on to class. He was very slurry on the phone - so I know he was using.
I got home after class and there was a message on that answering machine.
I am sitting here fighting the guilt and the desire to go see if he is okay. I just can't go and I know I can't go - and I know he is pushing my buttons. He has wrecked every car he has ever owned and now this too. With the cars it was always "a deer"...this one is the wheel went off the road...d'oh!
I am sitting here crying and part of me is afraid for me and part of me is afraid for him. He is the kind of guy that likes to call cops and lie to them. I had agreed once to hold his pills for him and he called the cops and told them I had stolen them...now I still have the same fear pop up when he starts demanding things from me. I have always reacted out of fear and this time I know I can't do that.
I knew this was going to happen and at the same time I can't believe that this is happening. Just when you think you can sleep at night...this crap starts up. And I know I choose my reaction to it, but after 15 years, it is hard to stop overnight. Don't worry, changing the phone numbers is top on my list for things to tackle tomorrow.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. I get it now. And something has to change or it will kill me. I enabled him in every way...I am still searching for the reasons I stayed and felt like I deserved to be treated like dirt. I know I can not enable him now - it is important for him and it is important for me. I feel so lost and I feel so alone and I am so afraid that I will cave and enable him again just to make him quiet. Please tell me I can just get through this insanity. I guess I am struggling tonight to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I need help. No F2F meetings close by...there is one about an hour away I am going to try to get to Thursday night.