Originally Posted by
Faerie 
Just got back from therapy, it was great.
My therapist confirmed that what J did was rape and that it was not a sign of a healthy and loving relationship that he couldn't even last 6 weeks without sex. J wouldn't even kiss and cuddle me [which I needed] because it would 'make him horny'. My therapist also said that the threats of suicide are also blackmail [as we know] and not a sign of a healthy relationship. Basically that J is demonstrating behavior that is not conducsive to a healthy ongoing relationship.
I asked him how I can best break up with him to minimalise the chance of him trying to hurt himself. He told me to be calm and firm and perhaps tell him I need a 3 month 'break' with no contact. [after which I can break up with him for good]. He also told me I can help J to get his act together by telling him the only chance he has of getting back with me is to get off of the pot, get a job and go to therapy. My therapist said that this is positive manipulation. Weird concept hey, but if it helps J I'll do it. I really want him to get therapy as I don't want him to be a danger to other women.
I'm gonna call him in a minute and see if he'll come over for a talk so I can break up with him. He has a lot of my stuff which I will have to get my Dad to pick up tonight.
Wish me luck and strength,
Much love,
I have to strongly agree with Dee74 on the positive manipulation deal. That won't work how you expect it will. If you're the motivation, he will sure as $hit go off the pot, get a job and go to therapy. But once he's there, and you turn him down, you're going back on what he might see as a promise. And since he's revealed himself as an abuser, he's going to be very angry, maybe blinded by anger, and try to forcefully get what's rightfully his. I know this is sick but us men can be disturbed creatures and I know how these type of guys think. Just tell him you need a three-month separation and time to think AND that you're not promising anything at the end of three months. That's very important. He should not get false hopes. When you finally do break up with him, tell him that he caused you great pain at a time when you were vulnerable and dealing with trauma, but more importantly, he broke your trust, and the trust you both solidified by getting engaged, and that you can't risk that happening again. Tell him he has to move on and he will be happy again with someone else, but that it's important to focus on himself, why he did what he did, and the more than likely abuse he's experienced in the past. Recommend he go into detox for the marijuana use (despite popular belief, marijuana withdrawal can be extremely unpleasant) and that while his trust can never be earned again, you still care for him and want him to get better. If he does kill himself, that'll be traumatic, but that's not your fault, that's all on him. It was his choice and his addiction that led him down that path. More than likely, and hopefully, he's using the suicide thing as a way to manipulate you and he himself doesn't realize what he's doing. I mean for God's sake, he thinks flowers are an adequate way to apologize for raping someone. Not a very sensitive man apparently. Did you ever ask him if he was abused when he was younger?
You sound strong. Stay strong and don't let his emotions get to you. Remind yourself that you deserve better, even if you can't love yourself.
:ghug3