Now for the update I promised.
Much has happened both good and bad.
I'm still using way too much codeine and have no-one to blame for it but myself. I do promise however I will call an ambalance if I od. Being very careful not to od though.
Yesterday was great, if you ever have a chance to spend time with a kid with a disability do it, it is a great way to give back and take your mind off of your own problems. She made me cry when she told me she loved me.
I've just had 2 English backpackers staying with us for 2 days. The girl is a distant relative. When I first heard they were coming I was really anxious as I thought 'this is the worst time to have someone new in my life' but it turned out to be one of the best experiences ever.
The girl and I really bonded, we are now best friends. She too is a rape survivor with depression and self harm issues. [I see my codeine use as both a coping mechanism and self harm] Her fiance was one of the most lovely and gentle men I have ever met.
I told them all about what had happened with 'J'. [I am now calling him 'J' as I refuse to refer to him as my fiance anymore] and they gave me great advice and support just like all of you have.
For their own reasons my new friends were unable to have sex for over 18 months and you know what, he 'handled it himself' and didn't hassle her or pressure her once. He told me that J is not a real man as he couldn't even last 6 weeks before raping me. I agree.
She made me feel really loved and special and made me realise I deserve better than J.
J called me on Saturday morning and I refused to take the call. We all went out for a few hours and when we got back there were roses on the back doorstep.
Knowing J and our past fights he would continue to 'phone-stalk' me until I spoke with him so I called him back. I was strong. I told him he was not respecting my boundaries by calling when I had expressly told him not to call me as I would call him, when I was ready to talk. His excuse was that he had been feeling like c**p and wanted to talk to me. I pointed out that that was selfish. I also told him roses don't make everything OK. He then went on to beg me not to break up with him and again threatened to kill himself if I did. I told him that that was emotional blackmail, manipulative and immature and that I didn't want to hear that BS again.
He said he had 60 paracetamol and would take them if I left him. I was careful NOT to tell him that 60 MAY not be enough and begged him to flush them or give them to his mum but he wouldn't. I also realise 60 MAY be enough and that scares the hell out of me.
I still love this man very much but I can't forgive him for what he did nor do I trust him anymore. He is the one that threw away 10 years of history and a really beautiful relationship. It is a tragedy. It's all his own fault.
From all of your advice and the advice from my parents and my new found friends I have decided to break up with him, even though I love him. I have to put myself and my recovery first.
I am seeing my therapist tomorrow and will seek his advice on how best to break up with J so he is less likely to hurt himself. I have a feeling J will still make a half-arsed attempt at killing himself in an attempt to get attention and sympathy from me. [don't get me wrong all attempts should be taken seriously but I don't think his will be genuine] However if I am right and he does do it I will not visit him in hospital as it will only validate his behavior and give him the outcome he desired. He is also depressed [but won't admit to it] and a pot addict so maybe if he does put himself in hospital it will be a blessing in disguise and he will have to talk to a professional about his problems.
I hope that last bit didn't sound cold as I am not a cold person, I'm just not gonna buy in to his guilt trip if he chooses to take that path and I hope to the Goddess he doesn't.
I'm also very scared he may od and actually kill himself but I'll cross that bridge if I have to and know that you'll all be here for me if I need you.
I'm going to break up with him on Wednesday at my place as my Mum will be home, just in case things get out of hand. I think that is the best course of action.
I'm just scared I'll chicken out or cave into his begging so any words of support and encouragement would be greatly appreciated.
I'm going out to see one of my 'Aussie Aunties' this arvo. [all my blood family is in England where I'm from] So I'll talk to her about the situation.
Much love to you all, I'll try to look after myself for the rest of the day.