Hi Guys, Faerie checking in.
Still feeling really hurt and confused, this would be such an easy decision if I didn't love him so much and if the rest of our relationship wasn't so great. But what he has done cannot be excused so I agree with you all on that one.
Was very naughty yesterday and caved into the codeine cravings, I have been doing so well weaning myself off up until now. I'm ashamed to say I took 30 yesterday over the course of the day and had some wine on top of that. I'm a moderate drinker but know I have to be really careful that I don't start relying on alcohol and end up with a problem with that too.
He called me this morning to say sorry again. He actually said he realised he raped me and how wrong that was and that he had really f'ed up. He doesn't want to lose me over this. He also tried the 'I'll have nothing to live for if you leave me' line which I think is really manipulative. I told him I didn't want to hear him say that again as it was unfair pressure to put on me when all of this is his fault.
I realise none of what has happened to me in the past is my fault, nobody asks to be raped. The fact that he did it after knowing about my past attacks seems unforgivable.
As you know I saw my doctor yesterday and told him about everything, including the codeine abuse. To start with the codeine he said he already suspected I was abusing it again so he wasn't surprised. I suggested I go back on subs but when I reminded him they didn't work for me last time he suggested methadone. I've read some really bad stuff about coming off of methadone both on SR and online so I told him I wasn't prepared to take that route but would still be interested to hear if any of you have tried it.
He has agreed to help me wean myself off of the codeine at my own pace and will regularly give me blood tests to check my liver. I'm going to see him every month and he said he'll fit me in if I need to see him more often. Fortunately he specializes in drug use and is an expert.
As for his advice on the rape, he contridicted himself a few times and has made me even more confused. He made it clear he didn't want to give an 'opinion' and wanted to remain objective. First he said he was surprised as he knows my fiance and knows how much he loves me and how gentle he usually is. He confirmed that what happened can definately be classified as rape. He said that because of my low self esteem I have a pattern of getting into unhealthy relationships, he also said this is very common with people with BPD like me. He said that if my fiance was capable of doing it once he is capable of doing it again. I know this is something many of you have mentioned. Then [the confusing part] he went on to say that I wasn't physically harmed and that my fiance made a very big mistake and if I was able to find it within myself to forgive him there was no reason we couldn't start at the beginning again, build back the trust and stay together.
My fiance and I have known each other for 10 years, we first went out in high school, broke up [neither of us can remember why] then were together again casually when we were 20/21 then 3 yrs ago started this relationship and got engaged in December last year [I asked him] I don't know if I can let go of 10 years of history over one mistake as huge as it was.
However, he violated me, showed me no respect, knew my past history and I could be at risk of him doing it again even though he has promised not to.
I see my therapist on Tuesday so am going to talk it through with him and hopefully gain some clarity on the situation.
In the meantime, your support and opinions are really important to me as your advice will influence my final decision as I trust your judgment and know you care,
With love and hope,