Faerie, there are so many thoughts I have on your position. I have to say that I really wish you could get some help for yourself. You have been through a lot and I'm concerned about your well being.
Since I don't really know anything about you I don't want to just start throwing stuff out there all willy nilly.
I do hope that you'll fight for yourself. I have been through the ringer with men. I have a horrible "picker" and I've landed myself some of the worse and abusive relationships. I went through ten months of treatment in a rehab for women and learned a lot of stuff that I had put on myself for so long needed to stop and I also learned that I had the power to do that for myself. I do not want to be a victim today and I will not be in a relationship for I don't know how long but I do know that men have been a source of a lot of pain.............going all the way back into EARLY childhood, use your imagination. My thinking has been really warped.
I deserve so much better than what I've had and you do too.
I'm glad that you're here on the boards and I strongly encourage you to seek help locally where you are at. Again, I don't know what to suggest to you but I know if that were me I would be willing to do whatever it takes to get my life back. I can only imagine how much pain you've been in for such a long time.
My thoughts and heart go with you. :ghug3