Raped? Wings torn again.
I wasn't sure were to post this so I've posted it here since I've only been with SR for about a week. I suffer from severe depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder, I am also addicted to codeine.
Until Monday night I thought I had the most trustworthy and loving fiance a girl could have but now he has completely shattered that and I don't know what to do.
To give you some background, I have been raped twice before, the first time was when I was fifteen and it was by a virtual stranger I had met and kissed at a party who followed me on my way home and attacked me. At the time I was so convinced it was my fault that I didn't tell my parents or police, the only person I told was my best friend. I repressed it for over 12 years [I am 27 now] and have only told my parents, fiance and therapist about it 2 months ago. Since I have started talking about the attacks I have been unable to have sex with my fiance and my therapist has diagnosed me with post traumatic stress.
The second time it happened I was 23 and my now ex boyfriend whom I was living with at the time forced himself on me towards the end of our relationship when I was sleeping in the spare room. He told me that I 'belonged' to him and that it was his 'right' to have me and that no-one would believe me if I reported it. So I didn't.
Since I was fifteen I have struggled with addiction, from 15 to 23 I was addicted to pot, smoking almost every day however I am proud to say I have kicked that addiction. [There is hope for all you pot smokers out there, I did it so can you PM me to find out how] But since I was 19 I have been addicted to codeine and still am although I am trying to wean myself off.
Anyway back to Monday night. My fiance has been complaining about the lack of sex even though he promised he would be patient and understanding whilst I am treated for the PTS. On Monday night I woke up to find him having sex with me. I told him 'no and to stop' he did and I went back to sleep. However I was woken up again later that night by him doing it again after I had already said no previously. I googled the definition of rape this morning and it clearly states that it is any sexual contact or penetration without permission so I feel my fiance raped me the second time on Monday night.
When I confronted him on Tuesday morning his excuse was that he did it because he was so horny and frustrated from not having regular sex and tried to blame me for this. I do not feel this is fair at all.
I told him he had raped me and he started crying saying if he lost me he would have nothing left to live for.
I feel so lost, I really don't need this now, it's only 11:30 am and I have already had 18 codeine pills when I have cut down to between 12 to 6 a day. I hope I can get through the day without taking more.
I really love my fiance, everything else about our relationship is wonderful but what happened on Monday feels like a deal-breaker. I don't want to break up with him but I don't know if I can forgive him or ever trust him again.
I haven't spoken to him since yesterday and told him I need time and space to make a decision about our relationship. He knows I have been raped before so I can't understand why he would do it to me himself, I know he didn't realise it was rape but I didn't give my consent so it was.
I really need some advice, from both men and women on this situation.
My wings have been torn again.
Faerie