I have come to realize that I have struggle with setting and defending boundaries in all of my past relationships. I have been inspired by the discussion of boundaries, deal breakers and deal makers on SR.
So, I set out to actually right down the things that mattered to me. What are the non-negotiables in relationships going forward. Here they are...
My declaration of independence (from co-dependence)
1. I deserve to be accepted as I am. I do not “need to be changed or fixed.” I will not be in a relationship with someone who does not accept me for who I am.
2. I am worthy of being treated with respect and dignity at all times. I will not be in a relationship with someone who is disrespectful to me, or anyone else.
3. I am worth of being loved unconditionally. I will not be in a relationship with someone who does not love me and show me that I am loved on a regular basis.
4. My feelings and my needs are mine. They are what they are. No one can tell me what to feel or what I need. I deserve to have my feelings and needs respected and taken into consideration. I will be in a relationship with someone who does not respect and value my feelings and my needs.
5. Abuse in all its forms (physical, verbal, and emotional) is unacceptable. There is no possible justification for abusive behavior. I will not be in a relationship with someone who is abusive.
6. Integrity and trustworthiness are essential elements of a successful relationship. Lying (outright and by omission), deceit, and manipulation have no place in a relationship. This includes lying about past relationships, addictions, and marriages. I will not be in a relationship with someone who lacks integrity and is not trustworthy.
7. Infidelity, in all its forms (physical and emotional) is unacceptable. There is no possible justification for infidelity in a monogamous relationship. I will not be in a relationship with someone who is unfaithful.
8. Being in active addiction has no place in a relationship. I will be in a relationship with someone who is in active addiction.
9. Untreated bi-polar disorder and other mental health issues cause chaos in the home. I will not be in a relationship with someone who does not actively manage their mental health issues under the supervision and guidance of a psychiatrist.
10. Making a relationship and a family work is a 2 way street. It requires both individuals to be partners, not spectators. I will not be in a relationship with someone who does not carry their fair share of making the family and the relationship work.
I welcome any comments or feedback... this has been a really healthy exercise for me. Now is just have to follow through on what I have written.... sigh....
In direct response to your question... I have come to the conclusion that it is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who is in active addiction. Just because he isn't drunk doesn't mean he isn't in active addition. Imagine him saying, "I'm not that bad, it has been 3 weeks since I slept with someone else... I only had oral sex with those other people." Would that be ok? (Sorry for the somewhat graphic example.)