Is a God of your understanding a possibility for you? Not pushing it on you, but it might be your last stop. Like some others here I've been watching you slowly kill yourself since you joined this site. The sad thing is that is doesn't have to be this way. It seems to me your trouble is that you think you know what you need to do. How's that working for you?
My suggestion would be to follow the advice of people who were just as f@cked up as you were (I'm one of them) and do what they did. I hope you sort it out Tib, I really do, the slow painful alcoholic death is a horrendous way to go, I promise you a better life is out there waiting for you to claim it, are you willing.