Tib - I have to go to work now. But you may wonder, was I broke, on the streets when I had to have that alcohol that very minute? No I was not.
I have no impulse control whatever. If the desire (craving) for a drink hits and I have no alcohol present, for whatever reason, usually it was trying to control my intake, I would reach for anything that I knew had alcohol in it.
It was for a few minutes for feeling ok. I would rather be dead then live like that.
Believe me, I have struggled and relapsed so many times I can't count. I will never give up.
The ER calls me the Frequent Flyer Lady. They were amazed I have a job and money and would just grab for whatever alcohol is/was available. I can't even explain it myself.
Please get yourself some help. Do not dictate what med's you should be given, do not do this on your own terms. I wish you peace of the soul and a journey of sober living. I'll be thinking about you tonight while I'm at work.