Ringlet

Hi,

I'm new to posting, but not to viewing. I thought I'd share my story in part to see if anyone else has experienced something similar, and also maybe as a therapeutic way to try to move past the situation. My ex fiance was a recovering addict, but it seems like there's more folks on this panel, so thought I'd try to reach a wide audience of people (will also post on the family of addicts site).
My ex-fiance and I were engaged for several months and had been in a loving and wonderful relationship for just over two years. He was an extremely attentive partner, worked hard on his grad studies, was tuned-in to his family and mine. As far as I could tell (we saw each other faithfully on the w/e's since we lived about 3 hours away, and spoke every day) he was loyal, supportive and responsible. All of my friends and family adored him as I did. Though he had really only one close friend (wo he would bend over backwards for), most people would see him as an exceptional and special individual, unbelievably sweet and kind.
About a year into the relationship he tearfully confessed to me that he was addicted to opiates...just like one of his parents who actually got him hooked. He never showed any signs of intoxication and always seemed levelheaded. He had started taking sub to get off the opiates (oxy), but became addicted to that. He told me of his plan to get help and how very badly he wanted to get off the stuff so he could fully live as the man he wanted to be. I'm a stable and responsible professional and talked it through with my therapist so I could make the right decision in the situation...I agreed to stay with him given that he had a decent plan to recovery and he was following through with it - plus I loved him and he was my best friend. He went into a week of 1 hour outpatient therapy sessions, followed by weekly NA/AA meetings...all the while he continued to work on his studies/school responsibilities without missing a beat. I went to a few NA meetings with him to support him. He never was a believer of the 12 step program though b/c he's an atheist and had doubts about the program working, felt that it was more of a cult, which made him nervous. He seemed fine with going to the discussion meetings once a week. He relapsed three months later after seeing the addicted parent one weekend (who conveniently left the drugs out for him knowing he had quit), again confessed and promised to step it up and work the program/do the steps. He continued with his weekly meeting here and there, but stopped his therapy sessions since he didn't feel he was getting to deeper underlying issues, but promised to start up again once he was done with school and could find someone more qualified. Also, he was highly focused on completing his dissertation and wrapping up with school. He proposed to me, I accepted - we were happy, I thought.
6 months later, as soon as he finished with school, about to start his new job as a professional, plan our wedding and moved in with me - all the things he so, so actively pushed for ....he left out of the blue. One morning we were planning out the weekend activities and talking about making dinner that evening...I came home from work and he announced he was leaving and took the ring back. He said he loved me and I was the woman for him...but love isn't enough and there was no emotional connection, and nothing could change that. Needless to say, I was in shock - my friends and family just as devastated. He never told me of this, he always made a point to tell me what a terrific match we were. He impulsively left without a plan of even getting his things out of my home, where he would live or changing his address (he was still getting his checks sent to my home!). He had recently confessed to me when he moved in that he had started smoking cigarettes behind my back and I told him I was concerned with him being dishonest about that, but he said he wasn't using drugs again...I believe that since he had been on a more regular sleeping schedule and had recently gained a lot of weight since he quit (he was slender when on the opiates) and sounded very clearheaded.
We spoke once after that. He left to go back to his parents homes (they live separately) for a few weeks before starting his new job in my city. Also, both parents now had drugs in their home as his other, sober parent had recently had back trouble. I cut off contact with him (don't think he had any issue with that) but he acted like a totally different person towards me during the exchange of our belongings. His mother called me once right after he left and expressed her concerns about him relapsing, though I never heard from her again once he went to stay with her. I could never imagine that he would ever do this, he was always dedicated to our relationship. He asked not only the ring back, but other joint gifts we received... he was behaving like I was the one that left him out of nowhere. I never got an apology. I'm about to turn 35...was planning a family with this person, and never thought he could be capable of just leaving without a warning. I"m not without faults of my own, but felt what we had deserved a little more respect.
So, I guess I have trouble making sense of the situation, if it's behavior of an addict or just one of those things. I keep wondering if it was just the addict that cared for me and now that he's clean and in reality, I'm yesterdays news. I'm working through moving past this situation, and I think this post is maybe part of that, but still am trying to get my arms around it.
Ringlet