Stong until....
I am feeling so good about myself lately.....exercising, ordered the Codependent no more book and another book on boundaries in marriage. However, what I am having the most difficult with is the GUILT I feel. The guilt I feel because of my sons, whose own father is virtually nonexistent, the guilt I feel toward my baby girl, my AH's daughter. He gets to me when he says certain things and he looks so sad. In my mind I keep trying to remember 2 things I read on here. 1. I have the best of him in her. 2. Something about stop trying to make him into who I want him to be, but that he is who he is. I am struggling with strong feelings I have when alone, and the negative, sad feelings I have when AH and I are together. I am trying SO hard to heal and work on things, but he seems so sad and lonely. My heart aches for him. All of this you would think, or hope, or something would make him think about what he says and how he treats me, but somehow I'm not sure it does. It's like he can be sensitive and understanding for 1/2 the day, and by evening he makes comments like, Are we still married?, Do you even love me? etc. The intention was to separate when my has is not occupied by tennant on July20, he (or maybe I am letting him) is making this so difficult telling me all he is going to miss - maybe the baby crawling etc.....is that my fault. Shouldn't he have thought of that when he was treating me bad? So now I'm back to thinking maybe when we move, I set very clear distinct boundaries, and if he crosses them I will follow the consequences, one last attempt to not seperate. The otherside of me needs to NOT have the stress. I don't know.....how complicated life can be...but I am FEELING better and I am feeling like I am prepared for whatever has to happen. I just hope my kids are ok in all of that, I know it is not healthy to live the way we have, but can we make strides towards something new togehter, will he try .... he isn't drinking.... but will he try?