This is a very honest post for me and I'm not making fun of the steps. I'm just trying to find my way to them. I know in the end they are what I need and what I want. But I'm not going to lie. I'm so far away from getting better and I just want to be really really really honest how far away because if I lie to myself, I'm never going to get better.
So some of this might sound harsh and horrible, but I'm only at the beginning and if anyone can share how they dealt with some of this stuff then I'd love to hear about it. Maybe it will give me hope that I CAN do this.
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
So I read this and thought, DUH, I can do this step in no time. Of course my life is unmanageable. It SUCKS. And powerless over the drugs? Totally. Know why? Because I didn't bring them into the family. SHE did. My mother is an idiot and became an addict and screwed everything up.
Apparently this is not what step 1 is about because then I read the questions posed and now I'm a bit put in my place because I have no clue how to do step 1.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
No, because she should have loved me enough to not do this stuff when I was a kid. And I want to make rules so she knows the consequences and I want control. I want to be the one who takes things away from her in punishment and gives her things in reward and I want to call the shots! *sigh* So first question shows me I have a VERY long way to go.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
I don't even understand this question so I'm really in trouble. I mean... I know that she's different from me because she's WRONG most of the time.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
Nope. No no no no no. This is the biggest issue I have with this stuff. I'm not letting her off the hook by saying it's a disease. It's not cancer. It's diabetes maybe, but not cancer. She's an addict. Things are worse for her than others. Meetings are her insulin and drugs are her candy. She may have the disease, but she chose not to take her insulin and scarf down a box of chocolates. Her diabetic coma or shock or whatever is HER fault.
And yeah, the addiction is there now, but she wasn't addicted to anything the first time she stuck that needle in her arm. What was that? Was that a disease? No, that was a choice.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
This one is pretty clear to me. I'm manipulative. I've tried to change my mom and obviously we're in a much better place now *end sarcasm*
I use guilt a lot.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
I use guilt trips and ultimatums a lot. I've had more luck with honesty.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
I used to get really ticked off and demand answers. Today and yesterday I have changed my responses from yelling to just not caring. It's her life. I'm tired of having my life react to what she's doing. They're separate and should have been that way a long time ago.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
I've tried this and I'm already happier and calmer. I always feel that itch to interfere, but I'm trying.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
Right now I'm trying to determine how those problems affect me. If they don't, then I don't need to do a thing. The only problem I have with this one is like, with my mom, she could lose her house and all. I don't know if I could handle the guilt of knowing I could have prevented it by staying here with her and didn't.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
YES! I want to fix it right now! I want a checklist and then I want everything to be all hunky dory. Is there one?.... I'm guessing that's a trick question and there's not so that's why I'm dealing with this one step and probably will for a very very very long time.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
Almost any situation. Work, home.... I have to fix everything. Nothing ever gets finished or done right unless I'm supervising it. And I worry a lot so it's easier if I just know everything going on around me.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
Any situation which does anything to show my family is not the family I want and pretend to have.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
Originally, my mom told me to go to Al-anon because she said she could not deal with my anger. She told me they could help me so I wouldn't have anger toward her anymore and that she needed me to not be angry with her anymore because she couldn't handle it.
So I went and I hated the first meeting because I was the daughter of the local infamous 15-minutes-of-fame criminal all over the news so I switched to a bigger meeting where nobody knew me. I just wanted someone to understand.
Now I don't go. Nobody can help me and I'm tired of hearing how together everyone is. I'm NOT together. I don't even know where all the pieces are to PUT me together right now.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
My husband and kids are worried about my depression. So are my friends. I'm the one worried about my health, but that has more to do with work stress. I had a cancer scare not long ago. It was great. My mom actually appeared concerned. But I finally had her attention and realized I didn't want it. I actually didn't want her by my side at all even though all these years all I did was whine about wanting a mom.
Lots of people tell me I should leave this place for the sake of my children because they deserve a happy mom and they deserve not to be screwed up by her the way that I was. I'm not sure if that's really what the kids need, though. I think there's more to it as to why they shouldn't be exposed to her all the time. I think maybe they don't need to be exposed to the relationship I have with my mom, more than just my mom.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
I've had some thoughts I shouldn't lately. Enough is enough. Something has to change. I just have to figure out how that happens.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
I do this all the time. I bait people for compliments mostly. I keep talking about all these plans to see if any of them gets the nod of admiration from anyone. If someone is impressed, it's a go.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
ALL THE TIME! Wow, that's me to a tee. My life goes all sorts of crazy and I hate when I get more on my plate because I say I'll do stuff just so people will continue to like me.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
Yes to the first question. When life is going smoothly, I am out of my element. My husband asked me one time why I couldn't just be happy and I told him that the bottom always falls out of life so that it's dumb to let your guard down.
My husband also tries to get me to be positive about the future and he wants to know why I can't believe in it and I tell him I can't listen to him tell me it will work out and that I need to know HOW it will work out. I want details, not big grand promises that nobody can keep.
When bad times hit, I'm the one who comes out of hiding to take over and keep everything going. Most of the time I lose myself in my writing or in television or whatever. Bad times bring me back to life because if I didn't step up, nobody would.
How well do I take care of myself?
I've gained a lot of weight since this started up AGAIN with her last relapse. I don't dress well and I don't wear makeup. Sometimes I eat and sometimes I don't. I don't get any sleep. Basically, I'm doing a crap job at keeping myself okay.
How do I feel when I am alone?
OMG, it's like heaven. I love my alone time. I don't like it for a very long time, but I always feel so free when nobody is around.
What is the difference between pity and love?
I don't know. Maybe pity is more about obligation and love is mutually beneficial?
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
Yeah, probably. I don't know how I fix them. I just tell them what to do and then hold my expectations over them. And then there's the guilt. I'm really good with guilt. I can twist things, too, but not as well as some. Mostly, I just hide a lot from people until they do the things I think they should.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
I don't trust them at all. I have no idea half the time if I am really sure about what I feel. Sometimes I think I'm still trying to impress people, but I can't tell the difference anymore. But my HP knows and I'm trying to work on that aspect of my life, too, as a way to get some sort of clarity.
So that's it. Those are my answers. I have a long way to go and I don't know how to get there.
There are 12 of these things? At this point, I don't think life is long enough to even make it to Step 2....