I'm having horrible cravings tonight. I wish I had something, something more than this. My skin itches for something. Such a crash, such a longing, such bullsh*t. I hate myself, I always lose. I always find a way to lose. What is my defect? What can I do to change this? Knowing now that I can feel again, why is there a leak still? Do I need my source constant? Will I drain away without it? Will it fail me? Leave me? Like everything else, habit formed too strong in nature. What is this funking world? Why do we continue in it? A circular swiveling pain, glimpsing beauty, unable to hold onto, hold onto, that's the problem, there is nothing I can contain, and I don't know how to let go, I know the logistics, just not the reality, what is it in me that disallows me to live the concept I grasp so easily? Why do I fail?