Mentallyexh,
I am a person with an alcohol problem, as is your husband. We want to make it simple, and there are times people can make it seem simple and clear; but a drinking problem can usually be complicated, and a very hard thing to understand.
I have learned a lot by reading the stories in this forum. I sometimes feel like I am eavesdropping, but hope I can add something when I can.
It is complicated. I can empathize with your husband. There was a recent thread describing “the excuses alcoholics make.” I can rather shamefully relate to almost all of the excuses; but, on the other hand, I can also feel and believe truth within some of them.
There can be a great deal of fear and resentment wrapped around the notion of someone (whom we have loved and have understood to love us) trying to convince us that we are “alcoholic.” And from your posts, it seems that is what you and he are attempting to prove/disprove: does he fit the “definition of alcoholic?” We hear stories of what alcoholism is, and our experience doesn’t match. I can go to every drinking social engagement and not overdrink; never think about overdrinking. But within me, the desire to occasionally get drunk remains compelling; and it seems I will inevitably act upon it as long as I am allowing myself to continue to drink socially. And it drives my wife nuts.
And it’s complicated again by all of the stuff attached to and orbiting alcohol and “alcoholism;” and also by the appearance of each party taking outside advice, opposing sides; and putting conditions upon what had once seemed like unconditional love.
And for years your husband has thought of himself as a drinker, and he’s romanticized it. He really likes drinking, and the thought of giving it up completely might make him feel he’s losing his sense of self.
But mostly I think it is simple. Why concern ourselves with fitting the definition? His drinking is causing a problem for you and for him and your relationship. It is a drinking problem. Your husband’s drinking drives you nuts. His problem might be more involved than that, but for you (and for him as it concerns you) that is the issue. If he wants to maintain a good relationship with you and respect your right to happiness within the relationship, then he needs to do what it takes to not drive you nuts.
Let him know that whether he is powerless over alcohol or not, he has decisions to make. Try to be kind to him, and let him know that it doesn’t make a difference if he fits a definition of alcoholic or not, but ask him to examine his values. I would recommend pointing him toward this forum. There are many ways toward sobriety, tell him you know that, and ask him to look into them.
When I began writing this post I wanted to write something simple, but it really is complicated.