Old 06-23-2009, 09:10 PM
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Ortho
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 14
Trying to Stop after Ten Years of Binge Drinking

I posted this a day ago on another network, but felt that sharing it with additional people may provide additional support

This feels a little awkward for me, and I'm not entirely sure if this is an appropriate place for me or not. I discovered the site a few weeks ago, but was hesitant to join because at this point in time I haven't had any life altering situations like so many other people have been brave enough to share. I have been flying very close to the flame, but have also been very lucky in the sense that I haven't really been burned all that badly.

I have been a binge drinker since I began college about ten years ago. It wasn't that alarming to that many people at the time because it's typical for college students to abuse substances, but I still drank more than just about anyone else I knew, so even by college standards I was drinking a lot. I was confronted a time or two by friends, but other than that no one was overly concerned. In fact the opposite was true. I was actually respected for being able to drink so much. That encouraged me to do it even more.

After I graduated I continued to drink heavily on the weekends and spend time with a lot of the same people. I am very shy by nature and don't always feel comfortable in social settings, but I was never nearly as uncomfortable when I was drinking. I also wasn't a "bad" drunk. I wasn't violent, I wasn't sloppy or confrontational. I was just a drinker, and because I wasn't "bad" no one ever said anything to me. During the week I would oftentimes stay up late drinking and although I'd be hung over I'd never miss work, so no one on that front ever said anything.

In the past couple of years, it hasn't been uncommon for me to drink heavily (and sometimes alone), and then go through a feeling of strong remorse the next day. I know that I have an addictive personality in general, and that's especially true when it comes to drinking. I never have an uncontrollable craving for alcohol, and have been able to quit for days and weeks at a time without craving it, but what I do go through is that I'm the kind of person that wants my fifth drink a lot more than I want my first, and I want my tenth drink a lot more than I want my fifth, and....you get the idea.

Three weeks ago I was in an accident. While leaving a bar that a friend of mine had actually been thrown out of, I backed into another car, scratched their bumper, and smashed mine. It's obvious to me now that I shouldn't have been driving at all. I left a note on the car with my contact information, and drove home anyway. This is another problem I have. I ALWAYS think that I'm better and more sober than what I actually am, and I'll put myself in a situation that has potentially disastrous consequences because of it, and then go through a deep feeling of remorse the next day once I come down to Earth.

I did the same thing yesterday. I was at a sports bar with a friend and had been drinking heavily for most of the day. I was very tired by the end of the day and drove myself home. At the time I would have sworn that I was alright, but I know now that I was not. Again, as I have many times in the past, I felt remorseful. I began searching the internet, took a survey on another website about my drinking and answered all the questions truthfully. It said (and I don't know how it talleys this, but I have no real reason to question it) that I had a serious drinking problem and that 95% of Americans drink less than I do.

I've dumped out all the alcohol that I had in my apartment and have been going over and over past experiences I've had with alcohol in my head. I cannot believe I've never been arrested. I cannot believe I've never had a DUI. I cannot believe I've never had an accident. I cannot believe I've never ruined or altered someone else's life or even my own life. I work in higher education in intercollegiate athletics (I'm not a coach and I'm not famous) and a big time incident involving alcohol could cost me my job and make it nearly impossible to get another one in the same field. The more I think about it, the more it scares me and the more it rattles my cage. It's like I've been playing Russian Roulette with the number of times I've put myself in a situation that could turn out horribly bad.

Anyway, thanks for letting me share. As I said earlier, I don't know how much I can contribute to the community here, but at the very least I think writing this out has helped me.

peace,

Ortho
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