Let me see if I can articulate this
I believe that I suffer(ed) from a "shame based disease"
What I have heard is "you are only as sick as your secrets", to me this includes the secrets I keep from myself
Shame is like a mushroom, it flourishes best if kept in the dark and fed shyte (my thinking is 'not clear' around my shame if I don't address it, hence it's 'shyte' so my shame is based and fed on my thinking)
For me, if I cover something up, or "put it behind me" it will heal over, but the infection will remain out of sight, but if somebody else's actions "bump into it" it hurts like hell and I react strongly.
That's why the spiritual axiom is "If I am upset, there is something wrong with me"
So for me to heal this shame, I worked the 12 steps and with a therapist, I brought all of those old hurts "into the light" by sharing them with another human being. After I spoke out loud about these a few times, with the help of another human being, I was able to start understanding the impact of them on my life, and how they affected my decision making.
They are unable to "grow" when they are "exposed to light" so they lose much of their power, and my experience is they begin to heal and some simply wither away and disappear. Some are more tenacious, and require "more work".
I often say: People hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we have invariably made a decision based on self that placed us to be in a position to be hurt."
In "my story" I wrote how I fell in love with a woman at ten years old, and knew if I grew up and met and got together with a woman like her it would solve all my problems. It would "fix" me.
I wrote that to show how this "decision based on self" led in my adult life to untold suffering.
Sometimes, in therapy, and in working the steps we have to go back quite a few years to find the "decision based on self", sometimes the decision was moments ago, sometimes it was in childhood that caused self destructive behaviors and patterns.
Anyway, the whole inner workings of my mind are unavailable to me, but with the help of a sponsor or therapist I can uncover these "shame based behaviors" that I have unknowingly carried with me that have had such destructive consequences in my life.
I hope my explanation made sense
Congratulations by the way, self discovery is cool huh?