Well, we went to the pool yesterday. Met my sister, her baby, and a friend. Had a good time with no intrusions into my plans--yay! I was anxiety ridden a good part of the day, but nothing happened, so that's good.
On a side note: my sister told my mother and father about the day before. As I would expect, my mother's response was to be irritated with me for being upset about this. She told my sister--well, I imagine C will want to continue with his life, and take his child swimming.
She didn't say this to me (good) but it still stings. She knows about our weird history. She knows that LAST year and the year before, when C and I were in a serious relationship, he avoided the pool like the plague if he knew we were there. Didn't want to *confuse* his son by letting him know he had a GF and sometimes saw my kids when his wasn't around.
Also, the other day my mother said to me: you have seemed so walled off for the last couple of years. Like you haven't wanted to talk to me about your feelings.
I told her it seemed to me like when I DO tell her what is going on, she is irritated by me and thinks I'm obsessing and overreacting.
A little later, we are talking and it's feeling good. I tell her that I am immersing myself in self-help books, and that I'm beginning to understand that C's issues are pretty deep and that I think he's toxic and narcissistic.
Her response (in an impatient voice): Okay. So you've GOT IT. Time to quit thinking about it and move on.
I responded well, I think. In a different time, I would have become very upset, defensive, hurt. This time I said: Well, I need to understand this. I need to do this my way, and this is my way. It may take me a long time, but I'm determined to work through this in a thoughtful, reflective way--so that I can MAKE SURE THIS NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN.
Whew.