Trying SO very hard to understand
I am so glad I found this website...because I am reading everything I can find, just trying to figure out this circus my life has become.
It has been a tough night, he constantly makes me feel like I am doing something wrong, I am not supporting him, I am not doing anything for him except complaining - whether he drinks or not - nothing changes. I ask him to give me a concrete example of how to support him, what he wants me to do, or what I have done to make him feel like that....he can't really tell me. He says he wants me to be loving.....I am SO hurt by the things he has said, and done that I don't have that in me right now. I try to make him understand the pain he has caused me through his actions - but all he says back is....quit living in the past....get over it. He has decided somewhere in his mind that since I am not as loving...I must be cheating. As if......first of all I want a relationship at all right now and second I have children to take care of....and 3rd I would NEVER do that. Whenever he gets mad he calls me names and puts me down. Honestly.....why am I here. I have 4 SONS.......would I allow them to behave in any of these ways....not on my life...so what am I teaching them??? I am scared of single life, I've been a single parent before - different issues, but it is hard. I don't know what I am hoping for......We have a daughter together and he admitted that if anyone ever talked to his daughter the way he talked to me....that that would be the end of them. SO...why am I different? I am so sad, and I feel I should have seen this. I left once when we were dating for the same reasons, I remember how much more at peace my life became. He of course, quit drinking and became a new person - loving and caring....that lasted til maybe after the wedding day. Anyway, I am rambling...sorry....the insanity of his actions have me doubting my own behavior, and what I have done wrong. I know I am not perfect and we have other issues in our marriage, but EVERYTHING is clouded by what has happened with alcohol and his behavior. Any thoughts would be helpful and appreciated. Going to go to Alanon next week for the first time - this week I have an obligation. I am nervous about going, but am hanging by a thread!