FreeBird09

Ok, so I took another phone call......I am the kind of person who does all they can do, until I feel that I have done enough and then that is that.

He called me last night, slurring his words.. it actually sounded like he had a stroke or something, that is how drunk he was.

He said he was calling to tell me that he don't want any more contact with me, that I hurt him too much with my words and he can't process any more hurt from me. That because of me he doesn't have anything and he just wants to die. I guess he was waiting for me reaction to be one of rage or accusations, but I didn't do it. I said ok, I am ok with that and I am sure God will put someone in my life who is good for me. On that note he said, you have to stop being so controlling, so possessive (mind you, he hasn't been in my life nearly a year) and I said, thank you for pointing that out to me I will take that advice with me through my life and not be that way with someone else. He then went into a crying fit, and said, NO.. not someone else, I want you to not do that to ME. I want to be with you and be happy. I said, but you just said you wanted no contact with me so I am good with this and now I can get on with my life. Thank you for telling me so I can move on without any guilt (threw it back in his lap) He said, I love you so much, my life has been miserable without you and you have gotten stronger and have been living your life. Then said he wanted me to wait for him and to pray on it before I moved on..

YES.. it was a crazy roller coaster of a ride with that conversation. He was all over the place, from not wanting contact to begging me to wait for him, to telling me to find someone else. At one point he said I kicked him out for a year now and haven't made the effort to bring him back home.. (WHAT!! he walked out that door I begged him, at the time, to NOT leave me). When he hung up he said, I just want to leave you with this: I love you, you can be a wonderful woman, I want to spend the rest of my life with you but you need serious medications for your mental instability, I wrote my will up and put a letter in it for you and told my parents to contact you when I die..

I had told him previous that I was starting Ministry school in the fall (a year program while I am waiting for my son to graduate high school, and then it is off to Law School for me) he wanted to know where it was at, and I told him that I would rather not say. He said if I was a good Christian, and if I loved God that I would tell him so he knew where he could find me if he needed to. I said, there is no point to finding me. He started crying and said there was no point in anything any more, he has nothing left.

He is simply nuts. I did cry towards the end of the conversation as it is painful to hear him so far gone. I know he is just trying to break me down, I can see it. He hates the fact that I am so strong, while he is so weak.

His manipulation was at it's finest last night. I am so happy with myself that I kept my cool and didn't go off on him. I have finally learnt self control. Now, to give him what he wants and never answer that phone again. There really is no point, now or ever to speak to him again. It is just dragging me down to some extent.

I got off the phone, and I was crying. My oldest son (23) said, now what did he say this time? He said, come here Mom and he hugged me tight and said, listen he is miserable and just wants you to be down like he is. He knows you are strong as nails and hates that you are making your own life and he is living with his Mom because he can't get out of his own way.

All through the night I said to myself, if he wanted to stop contact, then why call me? Why go through all of that, when I know that at times when he is angry at his father he wont speak to him for months on end, why then call me with this. I know why, he was trying his hardest to break me down, I guess he doesn't know me at all. The more someone pushes to break me down, the stronger I get. It is like FUEL for me.