I play this game sometimes walking around the skyways. I'll find people who are immersed in their blackberries, not paying attention to their surroundings. I'll walk right towards them, and as they unconsciously shift course I'll imperceptibly veer towards them further until we nearly brush against one another as we pass. Sometimes we actually collide, often times the nearness is enough to jolt them out of their cybernetic daydream. Am I mean? Or is this just metaphorical of my yearning for human contact?
I often want to scream at them, wave my hands in the air, even hit them, "I'm HERE I'm HERE!" Like some gestaltian need for recogniton. I want to grab people and shake them violently until they are shocked into the moment that should bind us all together. I want to parade around the planet soliciting poems and paintings and lovemaking until the whole world weeps for its idiocy. We're wasting time, things are getting worse and we are addicted to separating ourselves from one another.
I slept a lot last night, much needed. I dreamt of someone, a friend, maybe lover, maybe myself... their eyes were black and empty... there was a pool of water, a deep black hole, it was understood by me that this dark puddle was a sucking, a vacuum in which entry would mean forever sinking with no possibility of parole, I watched this shadow, grey and diseased walk into the pool resigned, immediately sinking as I watched, able to see his face looking up at me expressionless as he went... it was raining outside, that's all I remember...
Today it's raining too, and I sit in the vacuum of my apartment, looking around at all these odds and ends, these half-read books and expired coupons and pictures of people who've long forgotten me. Unfinished tasks and soggy dreams and lost loves and embered ambitions. I remember wondering last year at this time if I would be like this still now, and I am, every time I move, trying to flee myself I find myself again, in a new place, more isolated than ever, in darkness looking into the brightened windows of other peoples lives wondering what it must be like to be normal, to want life more than death, to be able to function without eccentricities, chemicals, to settle for less in order to gain more...
Someone asked me about sleep, I don't take anything really, sometimes I'll take this tablet called 'Midnite' that's supposed to be all natural. It works ok, it feels like when you get out of a long hot bath, relaxes your body, and often it's suggestive enough to your mind that it will follow suit.
Someone asked me what I was afraid of... I'm afraid of myself... (and heffalumps and dropbears and people who think Rush Limbaugh has ever or will ever have a point)...
Someone said something about nothingness. You cannot build around nothingness, nothingness is not a nucleus, it's not a foundation, it's not an idea or material, nothingness is the vacuum realization that we are more space than matter, that none of any of this really matters, it's therapudic to empty the garbage in your brain through meditation, and this is what I think was meant, but reconstructing a 'self' based on 'nothingness' is like trying to rebuild your house in the middle of a lake, it's nonsensical and completely defeats the purpose of having a calm body of water in which to cleanse your soul...
I don't know what else to say today, I feel stable, just very sad...