Oh can I soooo relate! sound like my ex --- it was all my fault even tho he'd been thru rehad before we even met ... blah blah blah
I highly recommend "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drew
not about changing "them", it's about helping YOU to change and find some peace of mind and will answer alot of your questions
(I just wrote about it in another post)
I can't recommend the book enough -
Your library should have it or it's well worth ordering from Amazon
and definitely come back here!
Blue