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Old 06-13-2009, 08:55 AM
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want2bfreenow
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 64
Trying to figure it out

Hello! I haven't posted in a while, but I do read here every day and get so much support and insight from your posts, so I want to start by saying thank you everyone for being here and sharing!

Quick recap - my AH was in the hospital for two weeks because he tried detoxing on his own. He almost died. When he did get out I told him he couldn't come home so he went to stay with his mom. Within days he was drinking again, but then checked himself into a motel for a few days and detoxed again. He immediately started going to AA daily and seems to really be working the program. He has a sponsor who is a neighbor, and even chaired a meeting the other day. He gets his 30 day coin today.

I still won't let him come home, however, he's here every day. I told him that if he stays sober we may be able to work on our marriage but it would take much time. He did so many hurtful things and lied so much while drinking that there is no trust anymore, not for me or my 16 yr. son (not his). Maybe at this point there is 1 or 2%, but that's nowhere near enough. Most days he seems understanding of this and says he knows he has to earn our trust and make up for all the wrongs, etc. 80% of the time he's been pleasant to be around and helpful. Then there's days like yesterday.

We've been trying to talk in little bits about the things that bother us about the other. One of things that really gets me is his negativity. He's always so negative about EVERYTHING. I told him I was raised that if you don't have something nice to say don't say anything. He said he was raised by a mom who complained and criticized all the time, but that he would add that to his list for step 4. So, the subject came up again last night. He said he would keep his complaints to himself. I told him that wasn't healthy and everyone needs to vent, but he needs to learn to get it out and then let it go. I said that it makes me feel like he is in attack mode and that's when I get defensive, and gave him an example of when this happened very recently. He said that I'm too defensive and then went on to list all the reasons why he was right to act negatively and b!_ching the way he did. So, I just said this isn't going anywhere let's just forget it for tonight. That was that and he took the dog for a walk.

When he gets back with the dog he can't find a flashlight and immediately starts accusing me or my son of taking it and not putting it back, which we didn't. I asked him why he had to be so accusatory all the time and he went off about how he didn't move it so someone else did, blah, blah, blah. So, it got a little heated and one of the things he always says to me is that I need to realize that alcoholism is a disease and he wasn't in control when he was drinking and he is not that person anymore. I said ok, but you need to try to understand what it has done to me and my son. I tried to explain that he may not be like that anymore but it doesn't change what happened and all those things killed the love I had for him. I said my feelings count too and I have a right to provide a happy, healthy home for myself and my son, and that in fact that is my first priority. He thinks I'm holding a grudge and being selfish.

Another thing, I have a rule that I don't cook on Fridays - I usually grab take out on the way home from work. Since he hasn't been living here I haven't gotten him any but I knew he'd be here yesterday because he had a side job and needed the garage and his tools so I asked him if he wanted anything and all he did was complain that I hadn't done it before. So I tried to do something nice but got b!_ched at because I didn't do it sooner. Again, instead of looking at the positive he focused on the negative. A little later he went on and on about how he made sure I had a nice mother's day and "I bet no one will even say anything to me" on father's day. :wtf2

Some days I think maybe this marriage can survive and we can eventually work it out and be happy, but when days like yesterday happen I'm back to square one. When he finally left he started texting me that he was sorry, hates his life now, feels like drinking, blah, blah. I feel like he's trying to guilt trip me. Then his morning he was apologetic and saying that his mind is right now,blah, blah!

Anyway, I don't know what to do next. I wanted to take my time and figured I would know when I know, but I guess that's not fair to him. On the other hand, sometimes I feel like he's pressuring me to make a decision and if he has to have one now then it's no. I'm so confused right now! I know no one can tell me what to do and I have to figure it out, but thanks for listening!
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