I am sorry for your losses, it is hard. I understand why you feel so at a loss over your AH. Mine was my HS Sweetheart. I ADORED him. He took something so wonderful, to me and turned it into something shameful and disastrous.. I too put all my 'eggs in one basket' and felt that I lost my best friend, but his best friend was always the bottle and will remain so until HE chooses to live. The memories are the best, but they were all part of what relationships are. He treated everything good we did (traveling, riding motorcycle, etc) as something he did for just ME. It was part of a relationship. I love my memories, they make me laugh, and they make me cry, and they helped make me who I am today. And.. so will yours. You will get a better friend, in time.. one that will treat you like you deserve, especially after going through so much. Your joy is on it's way!!.